The Nurin Tragedy

This is an experimental video I made using still images. The murder of an 8-year old girl traumatized the nation. The perpetrator is still at large. I was inspired to make this experimental video after I saw the graffiti in the streets. This video was made using stop motion technique and plenty of effects. This video is among the 60 videos featured in Eyeka Asia video section.

Pour some love on me

It's raining now. I am sitting inside an air-con cafe, feeling so cool. I miss Kavern, can't wait to see him again. Feeling comforted talking to him over the phone. I want to make things right again. I feel optimistic again. It is such a great feeling. I wish I could maintain this feeling forever.

We moved to a new house 3 days ago. It is like too good to be true because the house is so beautiful. Then, I realized money can create miracle. There is a playground near to our new home. From the playground, we can see the post card perfect stunning scenery of paddy fields and mountains at the back.

I feel happy for my parents and I feel grateful to my sister and my brother for creating this miracle for my family. May God bless them for creating this miracle for our family. Of course, praise the Lord for the many blessings.

I am always very thankful that my parents give me the freedom to choose how I live my life. Many parents will tell their children what to do with their lives. May God take good care of my parents.

Tomorrow I will go to the market with my mum. My mum will be cooking a storm tomorrow cos my cousin sisters and brothers will be coming over. House warming. I had been working for two days, helping my mum to sew the curtains, mopping, sweeping (you name it, serving the guests who came over for dinner. I was really glad that all the guests were happy. Family bonding.

Finally....

So sorry for the long long silence! I finally managed to put my short film together and sent it out to film fests. Whatever it is, I felt a great sense of peace after I put the film together. Phew....finally, I can rest and relax....

So, what's next? I went fruit picking in the orchard on Sunday afternoon and ate too much durian. It was a great experience, I mean the fruit picking. It was so nice to be surrounded by mother nature again.

I think a few well wishers out there must have prayed for me...cos my heart is filled with hope again or simply because I had accomplished my mission...putting the short film together..I feel empowered. I think it is very important to dream, to pursue our dreams because it gives us hope....we will shine and bring light to the world when we are doing the things we are best doing. I am in my best element when I am on my own doing my own things.

Imagine the late Micheal Jackson decided not to pursue his dream and ended up working in a office, doing job that didn't mean anything to him, there would be no legend, no moon walking, he wouldn't have shined as he did. Please pursue your dreams no matter how hard it is and become the person you have always wanted to be.



If God gave you another 20 years, what would you like to be or to do?

Randomly

I have become a couch potato and feel no shame about it. I have been watching Ugly Betty, Desperate Housewives, American Idol (Adam Lambert is super super hot), America's Next Top Model and drama series(Chinese and Korean). When I live on my own, I live a T.V less life because it is easier for me to move around. I bought a T.V when I lived in Langkawi Island but I gave it to my brother when I moved home. Actually, I still have my belongings left in K.L and Bangkok. Probably my friends had thrown away my things. I won't blame them if they do.

I worked for the past few months on project basis. It's a man's job....industrial art but at least it has something to do with art. In the end of a working day, I look like a mechanic in a workshop with paint and grease on my cloth. I have to wear a mask when I do the spay painting with a spay gun. It's a very tedious job. The professional job title is called `wood care specialist', sounds very glamorous but it is not. Normally, I work for a week and then rest for a week. It is just good for me for the time being.

Last month, I was in the final stage of editing a documentary and thought it would be ready this month to be submitted to film festivals, then, suddenly, while I was rearranging my movie files, there was some sort of technical problem and the whole documentary just went down the drain. I felt like I was stabbed by a knife. I have to redo the whole documentary again. To do or not to do, that's the question. Of course, I decided to redo it from scratch, from the beginning. Sometimes, I think it is much much easier to drink and get drunk, to smoke and get stone because it is much much easier than to really want to do something. Will the documentary ever make it to a film fest?

Life has become really tough since I have become clean from alcohol addiction and weed addiction and started to pursue my dreams or probably I have taken life a bit too seriously? I am trying to figure out what have gone wrong. Actually, I miss my alcoholic friends and weed smoking friends because they understand me the most and they love me the most.

Finally, the world is witnessing the downfall of capitalism. Yes, capitalists, you are the real crisis. I was sucked into the world of capitalism too when I was in K.L. I thought I could change the world but I let the world change me instead.

I have put on weight, thanks to my mum's cooking. I have been watching too much T.V, another addiction. Well, at least it is something legal. hehehe.


Finally, about Gaza and the Palestinians. During the war, I wrote five appeal letters to the Israeli embassies. Two Israeli embassies replied to my first letter to justify its bombings on Gaza and killings of the innocent. I refused to back down. After five appeal letters, at least one diplomat `sympathized' with my call for peace and agreed with me. I fight my own war and I won it. At that stage of my life, I felt like I had lost every thing like the Palestinians but I haven't lost the fighting spirit in me. One day, the world will see an independent Palestine because nothing can kill the great spirit of the Palestinians. When the day comes, I hope I will be there with them to celebrate the victory. Of course, my dream is to see peace in Israel and Palestine.

Secret Garden

This is an abandoned space at the back of our old house in the country side that we turned into a little garden. There is a hammock too where I can relax under the tree. Yeah, it's so great to be surrounded by nature again. For me, nature has the power of healing. Hmm...why it takes so long to upload a photo. Sorry...I think I will upload the photos some other times. I am not so patient to wait around.


Few months ago. the trees in my hometown started blooming with flowers. So, everywhere was dotted with trees with pink flowers and white flowers. It was so fascinating. It was like the season of cherry blossom in Japan. So romantic. When I was in K.L, I was so deprived of nature. I felt like a fish that was put on land.

Everywhere I turn now, there are trees and plants, basically, there is live everywhere.

About the Palestinians

Palestinians are the most misunderstood people on earth. They are portrayed as suicide bombers, terrorists by the media. They are often captured on camera by the media when they are throwing stones or shouting aggressively. They are depicted as nothing but a bunch of savage people who have been trying to reclaim their homeland from the Israelis.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not on the Israelis side cos I know well that they have illegally occupying the land of the Palestinians. I remember once that during a prayer meeting, we were asked to pray for Israel so that God would bless their work. Of course, I didn’t follow the instruction cos I could not be in agreement with the preacher. So, instead of asking God to bless the work of the Israelis, I prayed that the Israelis would come to their senses and stop killing the Palestinians.

I remember once that my preacher depicted the Palestinians and the Israelis as the descendants of Abraham (from two different wives). According to my preacher, if Abraham looked down through the window from heaven, he would feel sad and regretted that he married two wives, which resulted the `sibling fighting’. Well, preachers tend to say the most unexpected things sometimes. For a while, I thought this was really funny. Please pardon my ignorance. Of course, God was not all that pleased with my behavior of taking the whole issue as a joke. So, He decided to open my eyes and ears to see and hear the truth.

Time moved on and I naturally forgot about the Israelis- Palestinians conflict cos it has been going on for years and years and everyone seems to grow tired of it. Then, last year, under forced circumstances, I had to take up this job in Kuala Lumpur. Of course, I was very upset cos I had to give up my freedom and work full time like everyone else but when God wanted to have His way, there must be a purpose behind it.

One day, my General Manager forwarded me an email sent to us by another NGO, asking me to post the info about the Palestinian Film Festival on our website. There is a saying: curiosity kills the bird, right? Is it a bird or something else? Never mind, I guess you get what I mean. In this case, curiosity has been causing me so much grief So, I logged on to the website of this NGO and found that what they have been doing is quite interesting especially their community projects in the Palestinians refugee camps. So, I decided to attend the film festival to show my support.



The Palestinians Film Festival

Children of Shatila
This is a documentary directed by Mai Masri back in 1989. The documentary highlights the sufferings of many Palestinians who live in the refugee camp of Shatila in Beirut. The documentary kick starts with a voice of a child telling the story of Shatila Camp as the camera moves slowly showing the degrading condition of Shatila Camp. “This is where the massacre of Sabra-Shatila took place. There were dead people everywhere. They were buried with bulldozers. The dead lied all along this street. The bulldozers dumped them in a big ditch. Palestinians and Lebanese from all walks of life died here. Many were killed with machete. My aunt was killed as well. That is where they cut her head off.” the voice said. This is the untold story of the Palestinians.

There are children playing in the bombed out buildings with holes here and there. A boy is walking in Shatila camp which really looks unsightly as a result of frequent attacks by the Israelis soldiers. This is where the Palestinians call home. This is where the shocking and horrific Sabra-Shatila massacre took place back in 1982.

The camp is home to 15,000 Palestinians and Lebanese who share a common experience of displacement, unemployment and poverty. Fifty years after the exile of their grandparents from Palestine, the children of Shatila camp attempt to come to terms with the reality of being refugees in a camp that has survived massacre, siege and starvation.

The boy who does the walking is Issa. He was 10 years old when his father died. Since then, he has worked as a brass ware seller, a blacksmith and a vegetable seller but couldn't hold on to the jobs for more than two weeks. Finally, he starts working for the Co-op and he meets Ali.

The documentary focuses on two children in the camp. Farah, age 11 and Issa, age 12. When these children are given video cameras, the story of the camp evolves from their personal narratives as they articulate the feelings and hopes of their generation.

That night, two documentaries were screened. There was only a handful of people attended the screening. There I was, finding myself weeping uncontrollably from the beginning of the screening until the end of the screening. I was angry and sad. I was angry because of my own ignorance. I was sad because the world without a conscience has forsaken the Palestinians based on religious belief. That night, I knew I was not weeping alone. God was weeping with me.

I watched most of the documentaries and films screened during the film festival. During the final night of the film fest, I bought the black and white Palestinian shawl which was handmade by the Palestinian refugee in Beirut. I also bought the other black and white long scarf printed with the map of Palestine.

Then, one day, while at work, I found a book in the store room of my workplace. The book is called From Beirut to Jerusalem, written by Dr. Ang Swee Chai. Dr. Ang was a volunteer doctor in Beirut who witnessed the shocking massacre at Sabra and Shatila refugee camps in West Beirut. The unarmed Palestinians were systematically butchered like animals. Later she went to Jerusalem to testify against the Israelis in the Kahan commission.

The core principle of journalism is to lend a voice to voiceless. Early this year,I found myself sending an appeal letter to the Israeli embassy when the Palestinians were under attack. Subconsciously,I have taken up their cause.

The Palestinians have been attacked again. Please send an appeal letter to the Israel embassy in your country, calling for immediate halt to the gross aggression in Gaza.

Mission accomplished

I am truly deeply sorry for the long long silence. Okay, let's get back to the story. In my last post, I was in K.L. Then, I thought `divine mission' accomplished and it was time to leave. I checked out from the guest house and planned to leave in the evening. Then, a friend called, asking me to fire dance in a club the following night. Great...Quick job and quick money cos I needed the money to pay my credit card. I still have to pay for this laptop. See, my laptop is featured in the beginning of the experimental video presentation I made for the film festival.

So, I checked in to the guest house again. so, the following night I did the performance. Everything went well. Phew. Actually, I always feel really nervous when ever I perform. I am a occasional fire poi dancer, writer and video artist. I try to do as many things as possible since I don't really have a real job now. It suits me well. When you don't have a fix income, you have to walk by faith, not by sight. If you have little faith, you will not be able to live like this. you will worry sick cos you don't know when is the next pay cheque.

Of course, I did screw things up. That was why I got a full time job for seven months cos I couldn't pull it through anymore. That's a big price to pay for your freedom. You can have the money (a fix job with stable income)and lose your freedom or you can have your freedom and lose the money. Life is tough, there is no way out. I really wish I could have both and great faith.

okay, then after a week, I packed my things and gave away most of my things to the christian lady I met in the interview. Finally I managed to get rid of my things and leave K.L. I really felt so grateful to that Christian lady who came to my rescue. Most of my things would be sold at a charity to collect fund for the church. Good! That was what I wanted. In the beginning, I planned to give away my things to salvation Army but I am not sure whether there is a Salvation Army in K.L.

So, I packed again and ready to leave. Then, a friend asked me to be a gallery sitter for an exhibition. After a day of contemplation, I agreed. So, I stayed back for 9 days. I actually spent 3 weeks in K.L before I headed back to my hometown and then caught the train to Bangkok to attend the opening of the film festival.

I planned to be there for 10 days but ended up spending 3 weeks there. There were so many things going on in Bangkok while I was there. It was not easy to accomplish the `divine' missions in Bangkok. I am so glad that I made it there and came back in one piece. Phew...see, every time I went to Bangkok, crazy things happened there. Last time it was the coup, this time it was the protest that went out of control. I came back before the protesters sealed the airport and bombs and all that shit.

What's next? Oh Lord please continue to provide.

I will try to write what happened in Bangkok in my next post.

The power within us

This is a story I should share with everyone. The day before I came to K.L. H, my friend text me, asking me to bring a team of Christians to the hospital in K.L to pray for her ex husband who has been suffering from colon cancer. I replied that I couldn't do that cos I didn't know any christian in K.L who would do that. Anyway, I told her I would pray for her ex husband.

So, the day when I arrived in K.L for an interview, I met this Christian lady who also came for the interview. Yeah, I was in K.L for an interview, applying for a job and then secretly prayed that I wouldn't get the job cos I just couldn't see myself working at the office again. Of course, I knew that was not the reason I was `sent' to K.L.

So,M, the christian lady, invited me to stay at her place. I felt reluctant(I really needed a place to stay) but she managed to drag me along, very persistent. Anyway, I was glad that she offered me to stay with her cos the hostel was fully booked. Then, I told her that I needed someone to go to the hospital to pray for K, H's ex husband. M immediately agreed. So, we went off to the hospital to pray for H. Strange that for the past few years, God has been using me to comfort the sick. Of course, I wouldn't be able to do that if I was alone with my own strength.

Even when I was in Bangkok two years ago, I was prompted to send this homeless French man who was suffering from some sort of severe skin cell infection ( something like that)on his leg to the hospital. Of course, I wouldn't be able to do that alone, there was a Thai lady that came along. Then, the doctor told us that he was sent on time or else, his leg would have to be amputated. We eventually contacted the French embassy cos I couldn't afford to pay for his medical bill. Thinking back, it was really crazy and at times I couldn't believe I actually did that. God's power must be at work within us.

Actually I am more than happy to do God's work as long as He continue to provide cos doing His work can be costly sometimes.

Of course, I didn't get the job cos I have a feeling that I have to be on the journey again. After spending a week in K.L. I am ready to go home now so that I can have a proper rest. Phew...

Happy Together

This morning I was woken up by a phone call from Kavern. No, I no longer need a wakeup call or an alarm clock anymore since I quit my job. Being able to sleep as much as you want is a form of luxury (well at least for me). Kavern asked me to have breakfast. Of course, for Kavern, I’ll do anything cos we don’t get to see each other often. I really wish that our paths would cross more often. The last time we got together was two years ago after he went for brain surgery, in the process of recovery and going through radiotherapy. Yeah, we only see each other in pretty extreme circumstances. This time the brain cancer has come back on him.
Here I am again, finding myself at my sister’s apartment in Penang on the 6th floor while Kavern is on the first floor. We are not just friends, we have become neighbors again. I have known Kavern for more than 10 years. When I first met him, he told me that he felt like he had known me in his past life. I laughed when he told me that but now I do believe that. Our fates were always intertwined during the periods when we felt the whole world had fallen on us.
Here we are, happy together again and I wish the time would just stop right here….

I hope......

I live my life believing in hope and God because that is the only way to keep me going! The other day, I was persecuted by an atheist again, he tried to denounce the existence of God. Well, I really wanted to tell him that the reason I am still alive is because of God's grace but yet there is no solid scientific evidence to prove it. God is so abstract, it's like the wind, you can feel it but yet you can't see it.

Everything seems so bleak sometimes and I keep telling myself there is going to be better days. We all have died like Christ and resurrected again and again in life and sometimes I wonder when it's going to end! No, we all gonna resurrect and shine like Christ so that glory will be upon him cos we are made in God's likeness and he has walked with us and we are not alone. I keep telling myself!

A friend is fighting with cancer again! I pray with my tears and hope and hope and hope that everything is gonna to be alright again.

Oh Lord, if I wiped your feet with my tears, would you save him once more?

Rented crowd!

I am so sorry for the long silence again. I have been busy socializing, attending parties back to back...crazy world. Last Friday nite, attending opening ceremony of an art exhibition at my fave art gallery. As usual, it went on and on and turned into a party. So, we all started dancing the nite away...there were drinks, snacks, good vibes and interesting peoples...and many gays! My world has become so queer recently. The party went on til 2.30am. Yes, it's not just an art gallery...is a community!

Saturday nite, attending pool side birthday party at an embassy! Beautiful place....another crazy party...I was fire dancing and fed with so much drink. In the end, I started dancing with this Brazilian guy..doing Brazilian dance. Then eight of us packed into a car, we were basically sitting or semi lying and overlapping each other, heading to another party... The last time I did something so crazy like this was when I was in Bangkok, we did that in a tuk-tuk! Madness!

At around 2am, we started club hopping then headed for our supper-beef noodle soup! It had been a while since I drank so much...My head was aching! Then, I told myself, enough partying!

Recently, I met so many nice peoples who appreciate my talents and believe in me. Life has become a celebration again even though life is still filled with ups and downs but being surrounded by nice peoples make every tough moment much much bearable!

Then, Sunday afternoon. F and I walked to the Lake Garden to be up close and personal with mother nature. It was a good way to cure my hang over! We sat by the moat, swans watching! It was really a pleasant day. Another fren came to join us and we managed to see the sunset! Then, we went for beef noodle soup again (just can't have enough of it!) and followed by Turkish coffee at an Arab restaurant!


Now I have a new occupation: rented crowd!

Question, question, question....

So sorry for the long silence. Well, I have been writing a lot recently but the things I wrote have became very personal. The things I wrote on my blog are actually very personal. Few months ago, a colleague discovered my blog and I freaked out cos I just assumed she couldn't accept the way I am. Surprisingly, after that she kind of being extra nice to me. Yes Puteri, I am talking about you. Thanks for the lovely shoes. I have been wearing it. So sorry that I didn't make it to your wedding today cos I just don't have anything nice to wear, you know, my skirts are way to short. I will catch up with you and pass you the wedding gift soon.

Ok, some updates about what I have been up to in K.L. Yeah, I am still stuck in K.L but I keep thinking about leaving every other day. My luggage is too heavy. I can't move them, so I can't leave. Well, probably this is just an excuse. I don't know why, I keep comparing my life with the good old days and my life now is not really up to my expectation. I have a very high expectation towards life...I mean quality life. I used to have so good life and now my life is not as good as before anymore. The days of glory had gone and I just can't make it happen again anymore and sometimes I wonder why.

I used to be so free and now my wings are crippled. I can no longer be as free as a bird anymore. I should be travelling and be on that magical journey. What have happened to me? Suddenly, I just feel I need to have a sense of community, to see the same person again and again. Why suddenly I changed. I am so afraid of these changes that I can no longer have control over it. My life has a life of its own now. Is this something have to do with my age? Why I suddenly wanted to settle down in one place. Oh, this is the worst thing I fear most and it's happening to me.

I have been struggling so hard to have a normal life again after spending so many years travelling around living a nomadic life. I still live in a guesthouse cos I need to feel a sense of familiarity and many people questioned my choice and I don't really expect them to understand.

I used to live in this two storey apartment when I was in Bangkok. I spent a lot of time being alone in that spacious place. The sense of emptiness was so unbearable. I don't feel that anymore cos I am into communal living now. I just need to feel a sense of connection with people. I gotta go. I have been seeing this guy but I am not really in love.....or anything.