The power within us

This is a story I should share with everyone. The day before I came to K.L. H, my friend text me, asking me to bring a team of Christians to the hospital in K.L to pray for her ex husband who has been suffering from colon cancer. I replied that I couldn't do that cos I didn't know any christian in K.L who would do that. Anyway, I told her I would pray for her ex husband.

So, the day when I arrived in K.L for an interview, I met this Christian lady who also came for the interview. Yeah, I was in K.L for an interview, applying for a job and then secretly prayed that I wouldn't get the job cos I just couldn't see myself working at the office again. Of course, I knew that was not the reason I was `sent' to K.L.

So,M, the christian lady, invited me to stay at her place. I felt reluctant(I really needed a place to stay) but she managed to drag me along, very persistent. Anyway, I was glad that she offered me to stay with her cos the hostel was fully booked. Then, I told her that I needed someone to go to the hospital to pray for K, H's ex husband. M immediately agreed. So, we went off to the hospital to pray for H. Strange that for the past few years, God has been using me to comfort the sick. Of course, I wouldn't be able to do that if I was alone with my own strength.

Even when I was in Bangkok two years ago, I was prompted to send this homeless French man who was suffering from some sort of severe skin cell infection ( something like that)on his leg to the hospital. Of course, I wouldn't be able to do that alone, there was a Thai lady that came along. Then, the doctor told us that he was sent on time or else, his leg would have to be amputated. We eventually contacted the French embassy cos I couldn't afford to pay for his medical bill. Thinking back, it was really crazy and at times I couldn't believe I actually did that. God's power must be at work within us.

Actually I am more than happy to do God's work as long as He continue to provide cos doing His work can be costly sometimes.

Of course, I didn't get the job cos I have a feeling that I have to be on the journey again. After spending a week in K.L. I am ready to go home now so that I can have a proper rest. Phew...

Happy Together

This morning I was woken up by a phone call from Kavern. No, I no longer need a wakeup call or an alarm clock anymore since I quit my job. Being able to sleep as much as you want is a form of luxury (well at least for me). Kavern asked me to have breakfast. Of course, for Kavern, I’ll do anything cos we don’t get to see each other often. I really wish that our paths would cross more often. The last time we got together was two years ago after he went for brain surgery, in the process of recovery and going through radiotherapy. Yeah, we only see each other in pretty extreme circumstances. This time the brain cancer has come back on him.
Here I am again, finding myself at my sister’s apartment in Penang on the 6th floor while Kavern is on the first floor. We are not just friends, we have become neighbors again. I have known Kavern for more than 10 years. When I first met him, he told me that he felt like he had known me in his past life. I laughed when he told me that but now I do believe that. Our fates were always intertwined during the periods when we felt the whole world had fallen on us.
Here we are, happy together again and I wish the time would just stop right here….

I hope......

I live my life believing in hope and God because that is the only way to keep me going! The other day, I was persecuted by an atheist again, he tried to denounce the existence of God. Well, I really wanted to tell him that the reason I am still alive is because of God's grace but yet there is no solid scientific evidence to prove it. God is so abstract, it's like the wind, you can feel it but yet you can't see it.

Everything seems so bleak sometimes and I keep telling myself there is going to be better days. We all have died like Christ and resurrected again and again in life and sometimes I wonder when it's going to end! No, we all gonna resurrect and shine like Christ so that glory will be upon him cos we are made in God's likeness and he has walked with us and we are not alone. I keep telling myself!

A friend is fighting with cancer again! I pray with my tears and hope and hope and hope that everything is gonna to be alright again.

Oh Lord, if I wiped your feet with my tears, would you save him once more?

Rented crowd!

I am so sorry for the long silence again. I have been busy socializing, attending parties back to back...crazy world. Last Friday nite, attending opening ceremony of an art exhibition at my fave art gallery. As usual, it went on and on and turned into a party. So, we all started dancing the nite away...there were drinks, snacks, good vibes and interesting peoples...and many gays! My world has become so queer recently. The party went on til 2.30am. Yes, it's not just an art gallery...is a community!

Saturday nite, attending pool side birthday party at an embassy! Beautiful place....another crazy party...I was fire dancing and fed with so much drink. In the end, I started dancing with this Brazilian guy..doing Brazilian dance. Then eight of us packed into a car, we were basically sitting or semi lying and overlapping each other, heading to another party... The last time I did something so crazy like this was when I was in Bangkok, we did that in a tuk-tuk! Madness!

At around 2am, we started club hopping then headed for our supper-beef noodle soup! It had been a while since I drank so much...My head was aching! Then, I told myself, enough partying!

Recently, I met so many nice peoples who appreciate my talents and believe in me. Life has become a celebration again even though life is still filled with ups and downs but being surrounded by nice peoples make every tough moment much much bearable!

Then, Sunday afternoon. F and I walked to the Lake Garden to be up close and personal with mother nature. It was a good way to cure my hang over! We sat by the moat, swans watching! It was really a pleasant day. Another fren came to join us and we managed to see the sunset! Then, we went for beef noodle soup again (just can't have enough of it!) and followed by Turkish coffee at an Arab restaurant!


Now I have a new occupation: rented crowd!

Question, question, question....

So sorry for the long silence. Well, I have been writing a lot recently but the things I wrote have became very personal. The things I wrote on my blog are actually very personal. Few months ago, a colleague discovered my blog and I freaked out cos I just assumed she couldn't accept the way I am. Surprisingly, after that she kind of being extra nice to me. Yes Puteri, I am talking about you. Thanks for the lovely shoes. I have been wearing it. So sorry that I didn't make it to your wedding today cos I just don't have anything nice to wear, you know, my skirts are way to short. I will catch up with you and pass you the wedding gift soon.

Ok, some updates about what I have been up to in K.L. Yeah, I am still stuck in K.L but I keep thinking about leaving every other day. My luggage is too heavy. I can't move them, so I can't leave. Well, probably this is just an excuse. I don't know why, I keep comparing my life with the good old days and my life now is not really up to my expectation. I have a very high expectation towards life...I mean quality life. I used to have so good life and now my life is not as good as before anymore. The days of glory had gone and I just can't make it happen again anymore and sometimes I wonder why.

I used to be so free and now my wings are crippled. I can no longer be as free as a bird anymore. I should be travelling and be on that magical journey. What have happened to me? Suddenly, I just feel I need to have a sense of community, to see the same person again and again. Why suddenly I changed. I am so afraid of these changes that I can no longer have control over it. My life has a life of its own now. Is this something have to do with my age? Why I suddenly wanted to settle down in one place. Oh, this is the worst thing I fear most and it's happening to me.

I have been struggling so hard to have a normal life again after spending so many years travelling around living a nomadic life. I still live in a guesthouse cos I need to feel a sense of familiarity and many people questioned my choice and I don't really expect them to understand.

I used to live in this two storey apartment when I was in Bangkok. I spent a lot of time being alone in that spacious place. The sense of emptiness was so unbearable. I don't feel that anymore cos I am into communal living now. I just need to feel a sense of connection with people. I gotta go. I have been seeing this guy but I am not really in love.....or anything.

In suffering, there is God....

Oh my.....last week had been really crazy, I really thought I was dying. I mean I really felt like dying. I woke up in the morning having really high fever and the fever refused to subside for days even though I was on medication. About the blood, no, I didn't cough blood, I was brushing my teeth that morning and I must have hurt my tooth that it bled and then I coughed. I really freaked out that morning. Hahahaha.

I am getting well. I contacted a few friends to ask them to pray for me. The fever subsided the following morning. That's the power of prayers. My friend and her kids are the prayers warriors. Of course, whenever she needs my prayers, she will contact me. She says that God favours my prayers, well, I really hope so. Well, I think God desires everyone's prayers. God wants us to be close to Him. I remember when we used to sit in a circle and hold hands and prayed. I could feel that was some sort of `very powerful current' circulating in us. In christianity, we called it the power of the Holy Spirit.

The greatest priviledge in my life is knowing Jesus and His love. In good and bad times, He walks with me.

A world without Kriss

So sorry for the long silence. What have I been up to these days? Night tripping, imsonia, attending one event after another, bad health. Actually, I have been sick for the past few days and have been on medication but it seems I am not getting better. I coughed a bit of blood this morning. I guess it is time to leave the city and breathe some fresh air...

How about a world without Kriss?

housewife official video

This is from the amazing Jay Brannan.

The way we are

We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are.~Anais Nin

AIDS Memorial Day

This afternoon I attended an inter faith AIDS memorial service organised by an NGO in memory of those who died of AIDS. This was the first time I came face to face with people living with HIV. I was shocked that majority of them are housewives and the last thing that will come on one's mind upon meeting them is that they are HIV positive. I talked to one of them and found out that she has been living with HIV for seven years. I guess majority of them were infected by their husbands. The other day, my friend, a single mother who attended a gathering like this was shocked and commented that marriage is like one form of death sentence for some women. I totally agree with her.

The actual AIDS Memorial Day is on 18 May which is also the Idaho Day, a day against homophobia. So, on Saturday nite, I attended a club event at a gay club. It was a great nite out, a nite of plenty of affection and love. We did the `hug hug thing'. It is great to be somewhere where everyone feel celebrated and safe by being who they are. A `I love gays' sticker was on my pinkish sleeve, not to mention the red ribbon and a Pink Triangle pendant on my neck. I was all out in solidarity with the gay community. I used to have many gay friends who made me feel celebrated, respected and so loved. That nite, a few gay man came to `chat me up' politely. One of them asked me to join others to dance on the podium. He then asked me to pull up his shirt to reveal a tattoo on his back. In return, I pulled up my pinkish shirt to show him my tattoo too, a rather funny tattoo sharing session. He laughed when he found out that I am straight. Then, he pointed to a bunch of gorgeous topless men who were dancing on the podium and asked if I was interested to get to know anyone of them. Hmmm......how about having all of them dancing around me, I thought...hehehe..It was so great to feel totally comfortable in my own skin again and celebrated.

Recently, I asked God why the so called HIS peoples are so judgemental and condemning. Of course, God always has an answer for my question, always. Few weeks ago, I came across a book called `The sins of the Scriptures reveal the love of God'. It was written by a pastor and I felt really comforted after reading the pages about gay people. Finally, I found a christian who speaks the `same language' with me. Of course, there was not it. Last week, I attended a talk and met a bunch of christian gay people who believe God loves them. I had the answer I was looking for.

I know there are many peoples out there especially gay, transsexuals and people who are outcast by the society who believe they are not worthy of God's love because of the way they are. Well, aren't they all created by God the way they are to fulfill a purpose of love. To put us all to the test to see how far we can actually love..can we actually love like the way God loves which is beyond our understanding. Yes, at times, I was amazed and could not comprehend how God could love like the way He did which put me to shame cos I had underestimated His love and His ability to love those whom we think are not worthy of His love.

God loves gay people and there is no doubt about it and shouldn't be any argument about that.

Mission accomplished

I just came back from Royal Belum. The mission went smoothly. It was so great to be back there again. I was surprised that Ema still remembers my name. I was there to conduct need assessment in February with wendy, my partner in crime. Ema was sitting on a bamboo raft washing her cloth the first time I saw her. She was abashed when I jumped on to the raft and tried to interview her. That is what we normally do during assessment- talking to the people, a lot of talking in order to dig as much info as possible.

The settlement is so remote. It took us one hour by boat to reach there. Of course, the boat journey itself is something to die for. Royal Belum is still a hidden paradise. In fact, you need to apply for permit to get into certain area because it is still considered as security area. On the way to the settlement, we stopped by at the army checkpoint to pass them our name list.

We basically brought most of the dental equipment with us including the dental chair and the compressor. So, one boat was loaded with equipments and another boat was loaded with us, the hot chicks...hehehe.

I was so thrilled to be back there again and I really wish that I could be the permanent team member. Ema and a few girls were teaching the kids singing and reading. Oh my God, the kids with afro hair were so so so cute that I went hysterical when I saw them. We were a team of nine members, strictly all female. Girl power! We basically transferred the community hall into a make shirt dental clinic. The super composed and cool dentist Goo was working hard. I felt exhausted just by looking at her treating one patient after another.

The first visitor to our dental mobile clinic was a middle aged mama with a boy tied to her chests. The boy was lying on her chests while she had her teeth examined and fixed by Goo. Ema was kind enough to take the boy away from her but the boy kept crying unstoppably. So, eventually, I offered to ‘take care’ of the crying child. He stopped crying the moment I held her in my arms. Everyone was surprised when they saw that. I was surprised too. Wendy came around to tease the boy, I quickly shooed her away. So, I ended up babysitting him til the mother was done with her dental session. I was doing registration most of the time.

The happily retired Dr. V was conducting pap smear in the store room. Dr. V asked us to take turn to see how she conducted pap smear. So, Wendy was going to the store room and gestured me to come along. So, I put on the surgical mask and went in after her. First time in my life that I witnessed how pap smear was done. I was shocked that how women have to go through this thing.

The Orang Asli women were just so cool, all of them sitting around in a group waiting for their pap smear session. I was the one who was more nervous than them. I held on to Ema’s hand when Goo was trying hard to remove her tooth. The kids pulled in after they finished school at 2pm. They were lead by their teachers. Goo managed to performed dental treatment for fifteen students but there was still a long waiting list. So, they were asked to come back again next month for their sessions.

I tried to borak-borak with the teachers, asking them whether they needed extra teachers. Well, I can imagine myself be a volunteer teacher there. This time I was so busy that I couldn't find time to sit under a tree and chill with the ultra cool old folks there just like I did during my last trip there but I know this is just the beginning for me.

`Indigenous peoples are entitled to self-determination'

Divine love

When I was in high school, I joined the school trip to visit a few places in Malaysia. We checked in to a doggy hotel in Chow Kit. Chow Kit is this downtown red light district populated by sex workers and drug addicts. The accommodation was arranged by our bus driver. Well, the teachers should have known better that Chow Kit was not a proper place for school trip. Hmmm...So, they we were, a bunch of school kids, wondering around the streets of Chow Kit without parental or teachers’ guidance. I still remember vividly the sex worker standing in front of a dark stairway. On that moment, I knew my life was not going to be the same again cos I have been drawn to the forbidden and abandoned side of the world.

After more than 20 years, I was back there, surrounded by a bunch of orphans. I summoned all my strength to carry the heavy box filled with medicines up the narrow stairway. The stairway was flanked by walls painted with murals. I was exhausted but it had to be done. The orphanage was beautifully decorated and clean. It was something you don’t expect to see in places like Chow Kit.

So, without a moment to waste, we quickly set up the mobile clinic. We arranged all the needed medical equipments on two tables. Sister taught us how to take BP and to weight and scale the height of the kids. Some of the kids looked abashed when I asked them where they lived. They shyly or rather shamefully told me that they lived nearby. Then, I realised that I shouldn't ask them this question cos most of them spend most of the day in the orphanage which also serves a drop in centre. There are also permanently live-in children. Most of the kids we examined were in good health but they were these three sisters who were having high fever. Dr. W asked me to give them medicine. I carried one of the young sisters and let her sit on my lap. I heard from Sister C that they are actually five siblings who are left by their mother in the centre. Many of the children have no birth certificate. Therefore, they are not vaccinated and can’t go to school.

I held on to the little hand and put a wet face tower on her forehead. On that moment, I felt divine love and affection which I have been deprived of, I believed she felt the same way too. There we were, feeding each other love as if the whole universe had taken centre stage in us. I put my hand over her head and prayed for her. God had led me to where I belong, where I could feel His presence and a sense of belonging and unconditional love. This is what I have been craving for...Then, I realised I need to be free again...