Divine love

When I was in high school, I joined the school trip to visit a few places in Malaysia. We checked in to a doggy hotel in Chow Kit. Chow Kit is this downtown red light district populated by sex workers and drug addicts. The accommodation was arranged by our bus driver. Well, the teachers should have known better that Chow Kit was not a proper place for school trip. Hmmm...So, they we were, a bunch of school kids, wondering around the streets of Chow Kit without parental or teachers’ guidance. I still remember vividly the sex worker standing in front of a dark stairway. On that moment, I knew my life was not going to be the same again cos I have been drawn to the forbidden and abandoned side of the world.

After more than 20 years, I was back there, surrounded by a bunch of orphans. I summoned all my strength to carry the heavy box filled with medicines up the narrow stairway. The stairway was flanked by walls painted with murals. I was exhausted but it had to be done. The orphanage was beautifully decorated and clean. It was something you don’t expect to see in places like Chow Kit.

So, without a moment to waste, we quickly set up the mobile clinic. We arranged all the needed medical equipments on two tables. Sister taught us how to take BP and to weight and scale the height of the kids. Some of the kids looked abashed when I asked them where they lived. They shyly or rather shamefully told me that they lived nearby. Then, I realised that I shouldn't ask them this question cos most of them spend most of the day in the orphanage which also serves a drop in centre. There are also permanently live-in children. Most of the kids we examined were in good health but they were these three sisters who were having high fever. Dr. W asked me to give them medicine. I carried one of the young sisters and let her sit on my lap. I heard from Sister C that they are actually five siblings who are left by their mother in the centre. Many of the children have no birth certificate. Therefore, they are not vaccinated and can’t go to school.

I held on to the little hand and put a wet face tower on her forehead. On that moment, I felt divine love and affection which I have been deprived of, I believed she felt the same way too. There we were, feeding each other love as if the whole universe had taken centre stage in us. I put my hand over her head and prayed for her. God had led me to where I belong, where I could feel His presence and a sense of belonging and unconditional love. This is what I have been craving for...Then, I realised I need to be free again...

Foolish Games

Six degrees of separation

There are boxes lying around on the third floor (where all the relief experts of our org stationed and where I stationed too but I am not one of the relief experts cos I have never been to a disaster area. Our office looks like it was hit by cyclone too. Our team is ready to be deployed. Bad timing cos tomorrow is my last working day. Suddenly, I become so free, nothing much to do cos I have handed over my Sudan and North Korea projects to my colleague. Of course, this is not the time for me to leave, judging on the situation now cos four of our relief members are leaving for Myanmar. Of course, I will be back to the office if they needed me. To make things worse, another cyclone is heading towards the direction of Bangladesh. We just completed the pond cleaning projects in Bangladesh and the cyclone is heading there again. Can the cyclone take a turn and head back to where it came from?!!

Of course, I have been handling very complex project, supporting our two officers in Sudan from the headquarters. Last month, there was a killing rampage going on in where our officers stationed. I was basically on call 24 hours, keeping in touch with our officers, which is part of the security protocol. I was basically in emergency mode for two weeks until our officers were safely relocated. The situation was so intense that I felt mentally and emotionally exhausted cos if anything happened to them, I would be completely screwed. I am so glad that this has come to an end. No more tears and despair. I am no longer responsible for their lives. Nothing to be accountable for...I am gonna walk away quietly tomorrow and be free again. Finally the suffering is over but yet I can sense that it’s not quite over yet. I am still gonna be the faithful volunteer...once a volunteer, always a volunteer...next week I am gonna join the dental team to go on mission to Royal Belum...something which is more relaxing and what I really enjoy doing...to be close to the beneficiaries...perhaps, it’s better this way.

Lead me....

The other day, while spending a whole day in a meeting, I carefully scrutinising everyone's facial expression and gesture, the way they talked , the way they moved, the way they treated me and suddenly I realised that I don't belong there. Oh Lord, take my hand and lead me to where I belong, where I can feel a sense of belonging and feel the closeness with You again. Lead me....

Mimi

Today, I dumped my work aside and eloped with my best friend Mimi to our little escapade. Mimi knows exactly how to make me happy. We can have the whole world under our feet when we are together but we don't get to be together often. We are both tortured souls who can impart healing to each other. She always appears when I am troubled as if she was part of me...If I lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Chasing Cars

Stillness

The day has bid farewell, greeted by the twilight. It has been so long since I last saw the stars... I have almost forgotten how the moon looks like...My beloved colleagues in Sudan told me that they could hear gunfire from a close distance. The peoples were shooting at the stars as my colleagues concluded. what a sweet lie to comfort me, I thought. I try to imagine their fear which is laced with hope, hope for better days, for silence, stillness and peace....I wish the wind would whisper my prayers to them.....

Crying darfur 2008

Let’s talk about Sudan. How many people actually know what is going on in Sudan? Well, the situation there is so complex that I can’t really come up with an opinion. You see, normally, I am very opinionated....Genocide, crime against humanity, UNAMID (Peace Keeping Troops), UN Security Council, ethnic cleansing by the central government..... JEM, the rebels...what else...but one thing I know is that the peoples there need help....especially protection. It is such a great challenge to deliver humanitarian assistance there. This year alone, from January til March, 84 humanitarian personnel were kidnapped, not to mention 75 humanitarian vehicles were hijacked.
During the Rwanda era, the peace keeping troops pulled out, indirectly allowing the ethnic cleansing to go full scale. As a result, hundred thousand of peoples were brutally wiped out including women and children. I pray that history will not repeat itself, I pray that God will cut off the power of darkness in Sudan, we have to do something to change the outcome this time around. Our action comes with power and grace, let’s take action.... write a letter, lobby the Sudanese government, sign a petition, just do what ever you can....let's pray

...............

The beauty of being tired is that you don’t have the energy to think whether you are happy or not. Everyone needs someone, I guess. I want to watch horror movie at the cinema but no one wants to watch it with me. I miss my Russian girlfriend. She left her blueberry chocolate in the fridge for me but I didn’t go to pick it up. I miss my colleagues who are in Sudan. I haven’t called my parents for the past two weeks. I spend too long hours at the office these days. Sarah, the traveller, left a note on my bed before she left.

Looking back...

It has been a long long day at work but it doesn't matter cos I received a very comforting email from an editor from Bangkok. Sometime life is really unexpected and unpredictable. He told me that my article will be published in April in my favourite magazine. I used to look at the beautiful photos and stories in that magazine and wished that one day my story would be in the magazine. I used to struggle very hard financially when I was a freelance writer. The payment never came on time. Sometime I had to wait for as long as 6 months to finally receive my paycheque.

Frankly speaking, I have a much better life when I was a freelance journalist even though I was so broke most of the time but I received so much blessings and grace from God and constantly surrounded by friends who gave me so much love. Probably because I was free enough to give so much love to people around me too. When I was in Cameron Highlands for my two weeks break from work, I went for a walk in the tea plantation, played with my friend's baby girl, went trekking, relaxed at the playground, took the dog to go for a walk, made apple crumbles for my friends, talked about God's love. That all happened in two week's time. It used to be my life but now it is a a two weeks holiday. Sometimes, I really wish I could turn back the clock....really.

A day at work

While I was typing away on my laptop at work, kak Hayat came over and cover my ears with her palms. Then, we experienced some sort of static shock which was quite shocking to me. She sprang off and we were puzzled and in shock. Then, in the afternoon, kak Zu came over to have a chat with me. While joking, I tried to poke her and same thing happened again that both of us sprang off from each other. Of course, as the time moved on, we tend to forget about it and she came over again to talk. This time, she try to poke me. Yeah, we love to do this Face Book poke in the office. Then, zzzz....we were electrified again. This time around it was heard and witnessed by Wendy. I was basically sitting and pacing around the carpeted office barefooted and wearing synthetic attire. Probably I have a high volume of electrons in my body.

Today, my colleagues thought that I must have suffered from Hyperthyroidism cos I have been very hyper.

Today, I was in the waiting mode. I was waiting for replies from certain people who haven't replied my emails. So, I spent time doing desk research and writing my own TOR. Yes, things are quite unconventional in this org. I was asked to write my own job descriptions which is pretty laughable for me. Well, at least I was given the freedom to do that. Oh, tomorrow I have to make a few important phone calls. I have to call up the Ministry of Foreign Affair. Then, on Saturday, I will go for a lunch meeting with a diplomat. Oh..God please give me the courage to do all these.

Let's humble our hearts and seek Him.

Hmm....So sorry for the long silence. I have been busy as usual. I have been posted at Relief and Operation Dept. since I came back from my well deserved two weeks break from work. On 14 Feb while I was still enjoying my last few days of my holidays in Cameron Highlands, I received an sms from my colleague. According to her, I would be going to Royal Belum State Park to conduct a need assessment with her. Of course, it came as a great news. We are talking about 150million years old rain forest. You can imagine how thrilled I was. So, I went back to K.L, spending a night there and then off again before dawn the following day to the rain forest.

Of course, when everything seems so fine, something bad always happen. Two weeks ago, my father had an accident at work. His hand slipped into the wood polishing machine and his fingers were severely injured. That evening, I was prompted to sms my brother. Then, my brother called me up and informed me what had happened to my father. I caught the bus that night to go back to my hometown to see my father. He had to go through nearly 3 hours surgery. So, I spent 2 nights at the medical centre to keep an eye on him. Of course, during the darkest hours, we always draw closer to God. I prayed (and about to wail and beat my chest like the tax collector in the bible) to God and asked God to comfort my father and strenghten him. Of course, God is good. My father has since been recovering speedily. Praise the Lord for His kindness.

The Good Friday and Easter is just around the corner. Let's take time to seek God and engage in prayers. May all of us live a life which will bring glory to Him. Praise the Lord for His forgiveness and His unfailing love.