当爱来的时候

当爱来的时候
在那一刻
觉得什么都无所谓了

那震憾人心的美丽景色
原来是爱的化身

当爱来的时候
我希望时间会为我停留

爱, 可不可以为我留下来?

当爱来的时候
心里的痛苦都被解化和取代了.
在那一刻
觉得什么都无所谓了

Dream and fate

That kind of love that I desires,
that kind of freedom that I glorifies,
remain just a dream.

Dream and fate collided,
fate won.

Will life begin again?
Will the birds sing for me again?
Will I be able to set myself free again?
Will we see each other again?

Where will life take you?

One more month to go then I will be off the beaten track. Feeling like I am running out of time. This time I have to apply for a visa. It's going to be a bit complicated but I have to do what I have to do. Actually, I have been feeling really nervous.

This is going to be the biggest trip I am going to do in recent years. It's going to be the most adventurous trip ever so far. I have been sleepless for the past weeks, thinking and thinking, worrying and worrying cos I have a pretty tight budget. It's like a mission impossible. My heart can't be tamed.It's has been pestering me until I said YES. YES, heart. I am going to do this. I am going to take you to the place you have been dreaming to go no matter what it takes. Satisfied?!!

I remember back in year 2000, I had this same feeling after I saw Angkor Wat on National Geographic channel. My heart couldn't be tamed. So, I went to Cambodia and it really changed my life. The trip inspired me to write my first travel story which was published in a local newspaper. I have been feeling this way again lately since I saw that place. Yes, the place has to remain a mystery until I get my visa arranged.    

You know what, I have been watching the opening of LV'S first Island Maison in Singapore live on Facebook  and listening to Skylar Grey's Invisible (Dirty South Remix) while writing this. It's Saturday night. I am having my own little party all by myself  at home cos I have to sort out some photos for my stories and to send out a few emails. Where will life take me? Definitely not to a LV Maison cos I can't afford anything in there. Having said that, I really like the LV'S core value video.

William Shatner- Common People

Being invisible

Being invisible like the unreported deaths of those who died in police custody, who were killed for their political choices , religious choices and sexual orientations. Being invisible like the native tribes whose homes (the forests) were cut down and their drinking water was polluted by pesticide. Being invisible like those political activists who were taken away in the middle of the night and never be found again. Being invisible like the women who were raped and killed by the soldiers. Being invisible like the children who were maimed  by landmines. Being invisible because nobody cares.  

Death, illness and hopelessness

I know it's strange to talk about death. I don't know, I just feel that I have been surrounded by deaths. Seriously speaking, sometimes I really feel that death is really a form of freedom for people who are suffering.I am not sure that whether you use to have this` what's the point of being alive' feeling. It's a strange feeling and it has nothing to do with physical suffering, it's more about feeling hopeless. For me, feeling hopeless is worse than death.

The other day, I was at the emergency room waiting for my turn to see the doctor just to get a referral letter so that I could see the orthopedic. I was flanked by wheel chair bound patients. On my left was a guy with red eyes who looked very weak and ill. On my right was a teenage boy who obviously got involved in an accident. I looked at the teenage boy's multiple injuries on his hand  and mouth, I felt the pain just by looking at his injuries. That day, I felt grateful despite being ill. In fact, I have been enduring this sciatica pain for the past six months. At times, the pain was excruciating.I guess I have learnt to deal with the pain, it has become part of me. At times, I no longer saw it as a form of illness.

When Kavern told me that the cancer was always there, (pointing to his face, which was quarterly eaten away by cancer) he was trying to tell me that it was no longer a big deal cos he had learn to deal with it and  to live as normal as possible. So, that was what he did, he went out to face the world even though at times people looked at him as if he was a monster. Now I truly understand what he was trying to tell me. No, God didn't forsake him cos God gave Kavern HIS own divine courage and strength that the world can not possibly understand.      

Never let me go

Sing, sing a song for me,

like a lullaby,

like a cradle of a new born baby, 

rocks  me to sleep.

Never let me go,

even I insist, please remember this.

Maybe, maybe one day, insanity will come and visit

Never let me go,

even I insist, please remember this

I miss her

The claws, the feathers and the shiny eyes seem so unreal, almost meaningless to the world.

Yet it gives you freedom to fly, to fly to the embrace of the beloved one.

Where is my beloved one, I wonder?

Has someone been looking for her like the way I have been looking for my beloved one?

Where is she? Is she still here? Is she still who she is?

Have you been looking for her? 

Please tell me when you find her cos I am looking for her too!

Please tell her that I miss her, miss her courage, miss her adventurous soul, miss her craziness, miss her abundant love.  

Temptations

Today I made an effort to wake up early to attend Sunday Mass. Guess what, the guest preacher from India was talking about temptations. He was not taking about me tempted to eat choc cookies ( I was tempted to eat the choc cookies which don't belong to me)  but other sorts of temptations which will lead to death. Without God's power, you can never resist temptations. It is always my heart's desire to live a life worthy of God ( I think God knows it) but yet under forced circumstances, I had failed again and again but God's love never fails. This morning, as always, God's words and His love had reached my heart and touched my heart. Tears started flowing freely and was beyond my control. Before the worship started, I already confessed to God that recently I was again and again provoked by the `enemies' and I failed to stop my anger. I was tempted to pour out my anger and I did just that. Words were hurtful and I felt really crushed. So, today I went to church because I know only God's power can release me from this bondage and defeat the enemy. So, this morning, I was resurrected like a phoenix rising up from its own ashes and anointed. Praise the Lord for his grace and unfailing love.  

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Sun, moon, sky and the flowing river. It's just a dream. The path bears no foot print. Can you see me coming from afar. I can see you drifting away as I come nearer. All we ever want is a sense of belonging. I still remember the eyes that mirroring God amidst the propelling dirt. The sun-kissed wooden benches on a third class train. It was all so divine. Your awaken smile is like a Phoenix rising up from its own ashes. Your tragedy and victory have become mine. It gives me hope to see you triumph. Your hand in mine. It's not a coincidence. Come to me, let your heart tell me its own story. I will sit still and listen cos the universe will take centre stage on us. Come to me, let your wailing heart take a rest. Love is just that simple.          
      

In the arms of an angel

In the arms of an angel like a half way dream with no ending. Be empty, be silent, be still. Watch me in your grave next to you. You might think God is such a hype! But someone had seen a dead man walking. Never mind the bullock. All you need is to subscribe to the truth, no subscription fee. I need some distraction cos memory seeps from my veins. I'll find some peace tonight in the arms of an angel in this dark cold hotel room. You were pulled from the wreckage and made whole again. I wish I was there. Isn't it a mystery? What a beautiful fucked up mystery as fucked up as the truth. Do you still think that God is such a hype after you have encountered him? One day all of us will go down the same path like the alpha and the omega. I'll be the first and the last. It is no ordinary miracle. I will remember you as much as you remember me lying beside you in that hospital bed. It was like fumbling towards ecstasy. Will you take him when he comes to you door? Hold on, hold on to yourself cos this is going to hurt like hell. Let's have one last ice cold kiss and then exit.

Your hand in mine eternally

It seemed God had responded to the situation. Kavern passed away on Friday afternoon at 1.30. I really thought I was ready to let him go cos I really wanted the best for him not myself. I was not there when he passed away. I was supposed to be there on Friday cos normally I would go there to keep an eye on him cos everyone works on Friday except me. But this Friday was Wesak Day, a public holiday so the mother asked me not to go cos the father was around. I had to move out from his home cos the father had been disrespectful towards me but I think there's no point to further elaborate on that. He didn't know why I left, I wish I could explain to him but he was too ill to understand it.

Since I moved out in early April, I still went to visit him almost everyday when the father was not around. His condition started to worsen day by day.

I am angry and very sad. I went to the church meeting on Friday night and during the worship session and prayers, I could smell the scent of the fragrant oil, which was used by his father to anoint his head during his last surgery. I just thought that he was there with me.

Somehow I thank God for taking him so that his soul can rest in peace in the Lord's unfailing love.

`WHEN I DIE, PLEASE BURY ME STANDING COS I SPENT MOST OF MY LIFE KNEELING'