REQUIEM FOR A JOURNEY

当爱来的时候

2012-01-19T15:29:00.002+08:00

当爱来的时候
在那一刻
觉得什么都无所谓了

那震憾人心的美丽景色
原来是爱的化身

当爱来的时候
我希望时间会为我停留

爱, 可不可以为我留下来?

当爱来的时候
心里的痛苦都被解化和取代了.
在那一刻
觉得什么都无所谓了

Dream and fate

2011-11-21T13:33:00.000+08:00

That kind of love that I desires,
that kind of freedom that I glorifies,
remain just a dream.

Dream and fate collided,
fate won.

Will life begin again?
Will the birds sing for me again?
Will I be able to set myself free again?
Will we see each other again?

Where will life take you?

2011-09-17T21:33:00.002+08:00

One more month to go then I will be off the beaten track. Feeling like I am running out of time. This time I have to apply for a visa. It's going to be a bit complicated but I have to do what I have to do. Actually, I have been feeling really nervous.

This is going to be the biggest trip I am going to do in recent years. It's going to be the most adventurous trip ever so far. I have been sleepless for the past weeks, thinking and thinking, worrying and worrying cos I have a pretty tight budget. It's like a mission impossible. My heart can't be tamed.It's has been pestering me until I said YES. YES, heart. I am going to do this. I am going to take you to the place you have been dreaming to go no matter what it takes. Satisfied?!!

I remember back in year 2000, I had this same feeling after I saw Angkor Wat on National Geographic channel. My heart couldn't be tamed. So, I went to Cambodia and it really changed my life. The trip inspired me to write my first travel story which was published in a local newspaper. I have been feeling this way again lately since I saw that place. Yes, the place has to remain a mystery until I get my visa arranged.

You know what, I have been watching the opening of LV'S first Island Maison in Singapore live on Facebook and listening to Skylar Grey's Invisible (Dirty South Remix) while writing this. It's Saturday night. I am having my own little party all by myself at home cos I have to sort out some photos for my stories and to send out a few emails. Where will life take me? Definitely not to a LV Maison cos I can't afford anything in there. Having said that, I really like the LV'S core value video.

William Shatner- Common People

2011-09-17T18:52:00.000+08:00

Being invisible

2011-09-17T18:21:00.000+08:00

Being invisible like the unreported deaths of those who died in police custody, who were killed for their political choices , religious choices and sexual orientations. Being invisible like the native tribes whose homes (the forests) were cut down and their drinking water was polluted by pesticide. Being invisible like those political activists who were taken away in the middle of the night and never be found again. Being invisible like the women who were raped and killed by the soldiers. Being invisible like the children who were maimed by landmines. Being invisible because nobody cares.

Death, illness and hopelessness

2011-08-24T22:01:00.002+08:00

I know it's strange to talk about death. I don't know, I just feel that I have been surrounded by deaths. Seriously speaking, sometimes I really feel that death is really a form of freedom for people who are suffering.I am not sure that whether you use to have this` what's the point of being alive' feeling. It's a strange feeling and it has nothing to do with physical suffering, it's more about feeling hopeless. For me, feeling hopeless is worse than death.

The other day, I was at the emergency room waiting for my turn to see the doctor just to get a referral letter so that I could see the orthopedic. I was flanked by wheel chair bound patients. On my left was a guy with red eyes who looked very weak and ill. On my right was a teenage boy who obviously got involved in an accident. I looked at the teenage boy's multiple injuries on his hand and mouth, I felt the pain just by looking at his injuries. That day, I felt grateful despite being ill. In fact, I have been enduring this sciatica pain for the past six months. At times, the pain was excruciating.I guess I have learnt to deal with the pain, it has become part of me. At times, I no longer saw it as a form of illness.

When Kavern told me that the cancer was always there, (pointing to his face, which was quarterly eaten away by cancer) he was trying to tell me that it was no longer a big deal cos he had learn to deal with it and to live as normal as possible. So, that was what he did, he went out to face the world even though at times people looked at him as if he was a monster. Now I truly understand what he was trying to tell me. No, God didn't forsake him cos God gave Kavern HIS own divine courage and strength that the world can not possibly understand.

Never let me go

2011-01-18T23:39:00.000+08:00

Sing, sing a song for me,

like a lullaby,

like a cradle of a new born baby,

rocks me to sleep.

Never let me go,

even I insist, please remember this.

Maybe, maybe one day, insanity will come and visit

Never let me go,

even I insist, please remember this

I miss her

2011-01-18T22:19:00.000+08:00

The claws, the feathers and the shiny eyes seem so unreal, almost meaningless to the world.

Yet it gives you freedom to fly, to fly to the embrace of the beloved one.

Where is my beloved one, I wonder?

Has someone been looking for her like the way I have been looking for my beloved one?

Where is she? Is she still here? Is she still who she is?

Have you been looking for her?

Please tell me when you find her cos I am looking for her too!

Please tell her that I miss her, miss her courage, miss her adventurous soul, miss her craziness, miss her abundant love.

Temptations

2010-08-02T01:18:00.003+08:00

Today I made an effort to wake up early to attend Sunday Mass. Guess what, the guest preacher from India was talking about temptations. He was not taking about me tempted to eat choc cookies ( I was tempted to eat the choc cookies which don't belong to me) but other sorts of temptations which will lead to death. Without God's power, you can never resist temptations. It is always my heart's desire to live a life worthy of God ( I think God knows it) but yet under forced circumstances, I had failed again and again but God's love never fails. This morning, as always, God's words and His love had reached my heart and touched my heart. Tears started flowing freely and was beyond my control. Before the worship started, I already confessed to God that recently I was again and again provoked by the `enemies' and I failed to stop my anger. I was tempted to pour out my anger and I did just that. Words were hurtful and I felt really crushed. So, today I went to church because I know only God's power can release me from this bondage and defeat the enemy. So, this morning, I was resurrected like a phoenix rising up from its own ashes and anointed. Praise the Lord for his grace and unfailing love.

Untitled 1

2010-07-31T00:30:00.001+08:00

Sun, moon, sky and the flowing river. It's just a dream. The path bears no foot print. Can you see me coming from afar. I can see you drifting away as I come nearer. All we ever want is a sense of belonging. I still remember the eyes that mirroring God amidst the propelling dirt. The sun-kissed wooden benches on a third class train. It was all so divine. Your awaken smile is like a Phoenix rising up from its own ashes. Your tragedy and victory have become mine. It gives me hope to see you triumph. Your hand in mine. It's not a coincidence. Come to me, let your heart tell me its own story. I will sit still and listen cos the universe will take centre stage on us. Come to me, let your wailing heart take a rest. Love is just that simple.

In the arms of an angel

2010-06-02T00:15:00.003+08:00

In the arms of an angel like a half way dream with no ending. Be empty, be silent, be still. Watch me in your grave next to you. You might think God is such a hype! But someone had seen a dead man walking. Never mind the bullock. All you need is to subscribe to the truth, no subscription fee. I need some distraction cos memory seeps from my veins. I'll find some peace tonight in the arms of an angel in this dark cold hotel room. You were pulled from the wreckage and made whole again. I wish I was there. Isn't it a mystery? What a beautiful fucked up mystery as fucked up as the truth. Do you still think that God is such a hype after you have encountered him? One day all of us will go down the same path like the alpha and the omega. I'll be the first and the last. It is no ordinary miracle. I will remember you as much as you remember me lying beside you in that hospital bed. It was like fumbling towards ecstasy. Will you take him when he comes to you door? Hold on, hold on to yourself cos this is going to hurt like hell. Let's have one last ice cold kiss and then exit.

Your hand in mine eternally

2010-05-30T01:52:00.001+08:00

It seemed God had responded to the situation. Kavern passed away on Friday afternoon at 1.30. I really thought I was ready to let him go cos I really wanted the best for him not myself. I was not there when he passed away. I was supposed to be there on Friday cos normally I would go there to keep an eye on him cos everyone works on Friday except me. But this Friday was Wesak Day, a public holiday so the mother asked me not to go cos the father was around. I had to move out from his home cos the father had been disrespectful towards me but I think there's no point to further elaborate on that. He didn't know why I left, I wish I could explain to him but he was too ill to understand it.

Since I moved out in early April, I still went to visit him almost everyday when the father was not around. His condition started to worsen day by day.

I am angry and very sad. I went to the church meeting on Friday night and during the worship session and prayers, I could smell the scent of the fragrant oil, which was used by his father to anoint his head during his last surgery. I just thought that he was there with me.

Somehow I thank God for taking him so that his soul can rest in peace in the Lord's unfailing love.

`WHEN I DIE, PLEASE BURY ME STANDING COS I SPENT MOST OF MY LIFE KNEELING'

Will you take him when he comes to your door?

2010-05-26T22:08:00.000+08:00

Sometimes we have to learn to suffer in silence in order not to make things worse and for the benefits of others. That's what I call sacrificial love. I always thought that my life is tragic but not anymore when I compare myself to Kavern. He is bedridden and like a skeleton clad with his own skin. He is neither dead or alive. Oh God, if you have no intention to heal him then please take him. My soul is dying bit by bit seeing him like that. Pleas set us free from this situation.

Don't let love pass you by

2010-05-24T23:14:00.001+08:00

Who are you? What will you do if you only have one month to live? We are all stuck here, aren't we?

The other day, my friend said something very true. You can love someone but to have someone to love you is another question. Yes, we don't fall in love every day do we? So don't let love pass you by!

For my own record

2010-02-07T00:03:00.000+08:00

I miss dating with Johnny.

I miss dancing with Pang.

I miss dressing up and going to art exhibition opening.

I miss the delicious cocktails at 21 Restaurant and Bar.

I miss the beef noodle soup near Changkat Bukit Bintang.

I miss travelling.

I miss Bangkok.

I miss the good old days in Cameron Highlands.

I miss what I no longer have, the care free life.

The scars of your heart

2010-01-28T01:51:00.000+08:00

The scars of your heart are like an open wound on your flesh.
Who had planted these scars on your heart?
It hurts me as much as it had hurt you.
Isn't it an escape that you no longer remember?
The scars of your heart have led me here,
like how God tempted me with His love.

I know in the end you will live and I will die
because I am here to bear the pain,
like the sacrificial Lamb.

Where have all the flowers gone?

2010-01-28T01:14:00.003+08:00

If you are my regular reader, you must have noticed the video called Sarcoma Awareness Day posted on my blog. Kavern organized Sarcoma Awareness Day a week before he went for his forth major surgery but things didn't turn out well this time. The surgeon managed to remove most of the tumour but blood kept oozing out from the tumour bed unstoppable. His heart beat stopped and the surgeons had to perform CPR for 3 minutes. He lost twelve big mineral water bottles of blood. The surgeon called us and asked us to get ready that Kavern wouldn't be able to make it and then he apologized. We were asked to enter the ICU to take a last look at him. The surgeon was there with us, he was sitting at the corner silently.

Kavern's parents and I started praying when we saw him lying there with blood still oozing out from his nose, the stitched up surgical wound on his right orbit and the long stitched up surgical wound which started from above the centre of his forehead that extended til the side of his right ear lobe. The bed was soaked with his blood and then continued flowing to the floor and formed a pool of blood. There was no response from him but blood was still being transfused into him.

I whispered something into his ear and then held on to his left hand tightly and continued praying in tongue and at one point, I felt a very strong presence of the Holy Spirit and my prayer became louder and louder. After a while, I saw his tongue moved slightly inside his half opened mouth. I also felt his fingers moved. The medical team asked us to leave soon after they saw a response from him. That Friday, I prayed in tongue almost non stop for nearly sixteen hours. I had never prayed so long in my life. I told the Lord that Kavern looked like he was being crucified and asked the Lord to release the nine inch nails from him cos the Lord was nailed on the cross on our behalf.

Kavern's father called and sent text messages to his church members and pastors, asking them to pray for Kavern. I text my sister, telling her Kavern's condition and asked her and her kids to pray for Kavern.

After a while, the medical officer and a nurse came over cos they wanted to discuss something important. According to the medical officer, there is one type of very costly medicine called Novo Seven, which can clog the blood but there is no guarantee that Kavern would survive. According to her again, even if Kavern survived, he would probably become retarded or experience lost of memory because his brain was insulted due to lack of oxygen supply for a long period of time. We asked the medical officer to do whatever they could for him. We could not possibly deny him a chance to live and we told ourselves that we would put our trust in the Lord.

What Happened next? To cut the story short, a miracle took place. The bleeding stopped. He didn't lose his memory or become retarded. He was raised from dead to life. The surgeons and nurses also believed that it was a work of God. A doctor even took a photo of him. He was hospitalized for three weeks, I was there with him, so were the parents. He couldn't walk in the beginning but slowly and steadily with the help of the walker, he managed to get on his feet and walk again. Suddenly, I have become the caretaker of a cancer patient. Who could have thought that? God is a joker? No, I love this man and my love for him is divine and it's God related.

After one month, he complaint of indigestion after meal. So, he was sent to have the CT Scan done on him. The result was not we wanted to know. The tumour already spread to the left eye, pressing the optical nerve. As a result, Kavern has gone blind. The tumour also spread from the head to his abdominal area. According to the doctor, it's something very rare but the doctor didn't want to take the risk to perform another surgery after that drama in the operating theater.

Then, I found out about Gene therapy in China and was corresponding with the hospital's representative but I couldn't convince the mother to send him over to China for treatment because there is a massive amount of money involved and needed to get the fund from MCA which were donated by the public. There were tense moments between me and his parents because of conflict of interest. Apart from that, they have been treating me well.

Then, I was away for two weeks in Thailand having my very much needed vacation. I came back only to hear the news that he was rushed to the hospital in an ambulance due to unstoppable bleeding from his right orbit while I was away. He was hospitalized for a week and went through Radiotherapy before he was discharged before Christmas. He lost so much weight that he is too weak to walk on his own now.

Oh Lord, take this ruined body, your temple of God, cleanse it, sanctify it and make it whole again. Let me see this miracle and I will be your witness, I will proclaim your glory to all nations.

Few days ago, I found this poem written by Kavern when he was still in high school. I was surprised cos the meaning of the poem turns out to be quite similar to the meaning of the poem I wrote in Mandarin called 梦想 but his is much much darker than mine as if he was predicting his destiny and the fate of this world. So, I asked his permission to post it side by side with my Chinese poem.

Where have all the flowers gone?
There was no sunlight, there was no moon.
Am I here in this world alone,
waiting to leave soon?

The birds don't sing anymore,
The river doesn't flow to the sea
Seashells aren't washed to the shore,
where were things that were meant to be?

God's gift to mankind,
The horses, the fishes and the bees
Why are they now so hard to find,
They used to mean so much to me.

Where are they now? Has the world gone mad?

I feel so naked
here without companions or beauty,
How I long to see how the sun faded,
beyond the mountains away from the city.

Dawn to dusk
Twilight to starlight
Ashes to dust
Redemption Day is such a horrid sight!

Where have all the flowers gone?

梦想
微笑的白云像那无目标的游民般在天空中缓慢的漂流着。
那山岳还是高高的站立着,
等待着那微笑的白云来搂抱着它。
这景色早已被遗忘了，
就像那早已被遗忘了的童年梦想。
梦想早已被社会的期望无情的禁闭着了。
为何蓝天在高楼大厦后面躲藏着？
为何丛林变成了建筑地基？
为何河流被污染了？
为何梦想被资本主义捕获了?
微笑的白云还在微笑着，
仿佛在目睹被禁闭的梦想如何逃脱！

Hillsong - This is Our God

2010-01-27T23:38:00.001+08:00

Here I would like to dedicate this song to my savior, my comfort, my love and my beloved Lord Jesus for His unfailing love, for His mercy.

2010

2010-01-27T20:18:00.004+08:00

Wow, finally I managed to sign in to my blog when I least expected. Yeah, it's just like my life. I am so looking forward to February. It's gonna be a new beginning. I am gonna start teaching art to kids. It's gonna be fun. 8 hours a week. One week off every two months. Ten months contract.

My boss said that this is an opportunity for me to impart what I learned to the children and also an opportunity to minister to the children. Hahaha, I hope the kids won't grow up become like me, sure the parents won't be too pleased with that.

I hope this year the Lord will favour me and reward me for pursuing my dreams and for not giving up and for letting Him to fulfill His dream for me because he knows me better than I know myself. He knows exactly what he can accomplish through me.

For the past few years, I kept telling myself that I wanted to write a book before I turned 35. In 2005, when I was living in Bangkok for 5 months, I was hanging out with a journalist and my editors. According to my editor, I was one of their best writers, as good as that journalist from Germany who smoked weed most of the time but the thing is that he managed to write two books and had them published. Then, me and my editor use to compare ourselves to that German journalist. We just thought that if he could manage to write two book not one, sure we could do that too. Last year, I was pleased to know that my editor finally had a book published. So, I just thought that it's my turn. The thing is that recently, I have been spending a lot of time on experimental video and film making and digital art. After all, I am so out of the journalism scene. Sometimes, my editors were kind enough to send me a friendly email to remind me that I am still a writer.

So, in December last year, when I was in Krabi, I brought along the book called `The Witch of Portobello written by Paolo Coelho. Then, I learned that the writer actually prayed for a sign that if he saw a white feather, he would start writing a book. So, I also prayed for a sign of a rainbow. Then, that night, while sleeping in the tent, I saw a rainbow in my dream. Then, yesterday, I finally saw a real rainbow after the rain. So, I guess it's about time to write a book.

Water Dust 1

2010-01-03T15:18:00.001+08:00

I am so sorry for the long long silence. I haven't been able to sign in to my blog since few months ago. It's always `page load error' . The server at www.blogger.com is taking too long to respond.

So, here, I am trying to post a video via youtube so that I can reach out to my valued readers. Hmmm....I am pretty smart! Hahaha. Anyway, I just want to wish everyone Happy New Year 2010. May 2010 bring you the best of things in life. Let's live a life worthy of God.

Peace and Love, Kriss Wong

Sarcoma Awareness Day

2009-10-05T13:53:00.001+08:00

This video was made specially for Kavern. He organized Sarcoma Awareness Day on 25th July 2009. Two weeks before he went for his forth tumour debulking surgery.

sPIN cITY 1

2009-10-05T13:40:00.001+08:00

This is an experimental video I made. It would be nice to have it screened on a big screen in a dance club!

The unheard voices of the deep South of Thailand

2009-07-24T19:13:00.003+08:00

Sometime in November last year.....

The heart piercing voice of Yaena filled the air with despair. It was a voice of a wailing heart, singing the anguish of a widow who had lost a husband in such a tragic way. I sat still in the darkness, quietly listening to the song sung by Yaena and my heart was troubled. I wished our presence could somehow comfort her.

There I was, at Foreign Correspondents’ Club of Thailand, which is located at the penthouse of Meneeya Center Building in Bangkok. The penal discussion on community response to violence and unrest in Thailand’s southern provinces was officially started after the song ended and the lights turned on. The projector had somehow failed to function at such an important event but our good spirits were not dampened. Thank goodness the televisions were in good conditions, which allowed the slide show to be screened.

The slide show of a series of portrait photos of the Lost Loved Ones graced the screens of the televisions. This event also marked the soft opening of the Lost Loved Ones photo exhibition at FCCT by Masaru Goto, an award winning photographer, who had travelled through rural armed Buddhists villages as well as Muslim villages to document the many faces of those who lost their loved ones in the conflict.
Speakers of that evening were Yaena, Lamai Manakarn, Isma-ae Salae from The Young Muslim Association of Thailand, Yala Province and Sunil who also acted as the translator, not to mention the charismatic Kraisak Choonhavan.

Yaena, clad in head scarf, spoke in Thai instead of Bahasa Melayu, her mother tongue. Then, Mr. Sunil acted as a translator. Last year, Yaena’s husband was assassinated. Then, Yaena received a letter from a government agency, accusing her of being an insurgent.

The day before the panel discussion, 50 kg of car bomb exploded in Narathiwat. It was said to be the biggest since the conflict started. According to one of the speakers, every time a bomb exploded, the security forces started to sweep the area in the vicinity of two to three kilometres, arresting everyone including children. I started to have goose bumps upon hearing that. Of course, I know the security forces had done more than just that. Few years ago, Amnesty International, Malaysia sent me a soft copy of a special report on the conflict in the deep South of Thailand. I felt like fainting while reading the report. There were just way too many cases of unlawful killings committed by the Thai security forces.

Looking at the mild mannered Yaena, I wondered how on earth the Thai government agency could even have the thought that Yaena is an insurgent. It was just ridiculous. Yaena is a Thai Muslim woman who is in her 60s. She started a small scale community project for women affected by poverty and the conflict in Narathiwat, selling batik shopping bags sewed by women affected by the conflict.

This year, there will be another Panel Discussion on ‘The Southern Unrest Today’, which will be held on 6th August 2009 in Bangkok. To go or not to go, there's the question!

Actually, last week when my mum gave me her left over Thai Baht, I knew it was a sign. I already had a feeling that I have to go to Bangkok again. To go or not to go?!!!!!!!

22 Hours preview

2009-07-23T12:09:00.006+08:00

22 Hours is my first experimental short film. It is still in the post production period. This is the preview of the film.

The film was shot using a soundless digital camera. I always wanted to shoot a film on the train. So, that day, I decided to start shooting and let a story unfold itself and it did. I developed the script after putting the film together. Thailand used to be my second home, I just wanted to capture it on film the political unrest which has affected many peoples' lives and my life

The Nurin Tragedy

2009-07-22T20:21:00.003+08:00

This is an experimental video I made using still images. The murder of an 8-year old girl traumatized the nation. The perpetrator is still at large. I was inspired to make this experimental video after I saw the graffiti in the streets. This video was made using stop motion technique and plenty of effects. This video is among the 60 videos featured in Eyeka Asia video section.

Pour some love on me

2009-07-11T19:39:00.003+08:00

It's raining now. I am sitting inside an air-con cafe, feeling so cool. I miss Kavern, can't wait to see him again. Feeling comforted talking to him over the phone. I want to make things right again. I feel optimistic again. It is such a great feeling. I wish I could maintain this feeling forever.

We moved to a new house 3 days ago. It is like too good to be true because the house is so beautiful. Then, I realized money can create miracle. There is a playground near to our new home. From the playground, we can see the post card perfect stunning scenery of paddy fields and mountains at the back.

I feel happy for my parents and I feel grateful to my sister and my brother for creating this miracle for my family. May God bless them for creating this miracle for our family. Of course, praise the Lord for the many blessings.

I am always very thankful that my parents give me the freedom to choose how I live my life. Many parents will tell their children what to do with their lives. May God take good care of my parents.

Tomorrow I will go to the market with my mum. My mum will be cooking a storm tomorrow cos my cousin sisters and brothers will be coming over. House warming. I had been working for two days, helping my mum to sew the curtains, mopping, sweeping (you name it, serving the guests who came over for dinner. I was really glad that all the guests were happy. Family bonding.

Finally....

2009-06-30T19:02:00.002+08:00

So sorry for the long long silence! I finally managed to put my short film together and sent it out to film fests. Whatever it is, I felt a great sense of peace after I put the film together. Phew....finally, I can rest and relax....

So, what's next? I went fruit picking in the orchard on Sunday afternoon and ate too much durian. It was a great experience, I mean the fruit picking. It was so nice to be surrounded by mother nature again.

I think a few well wishers out there must have prayed for me...cos my heart is filled with hope again or simply because I had accomplished my mission...putting the short film together..I feel empowered. I think it is very important to dream, to pursue our dreams because it gives us hope....we will shine and bring light to the world when we are doing the things we are best doing. I am in my best element when I am on my own doing my own things.

Imagine the late Micheal Jackson decided not to pursue his dream and ended up working in a office, doing job that didn't mean anything to him, there would be no legend, no moon walking, he wouldn't have shined as he did. Please pursue your dreams no matter how hard it is and become the person you have always wanted to be.

If God gave you another 20 years, what would you like to be or to do?

Randomly

2009-05-03T17:10:00.003+08:00

I have become a couch potato and feel no shame about it. I have been watching Ugly Betty, Desperate Housewives, American Idol (Adam Lambert is super super hot), America's Next Top Model and drama series(Chinese and Korean). When I live on my own, I live a T.V less life because it is easier for me to move around. I bought a T.V when I lived in Langkawi Island but I gave it to my brother when I moved home. Actually, I still have my belongings left in K.L and Bangkok. Probably my friends had thrown away my things. I won't blame them if they do.

I worked for the past few months on project basis. It's a man's job....industrial art but at least it has something to do with art. In the end of a working day, I look like a mechanic in a workshop with paint and grease on my cloth. I have to wear a mask when I do the spay painting with a spay gun. It's a very tedious job. The professional job title is called `wood care specialist', sounds very glamorous but it is not. Normally, I work for a week and then rest for a week. It is just good for me for the time being.

Last month, I was in the final stage of editing a documentary and thought it would be ready this month to be submitted to film festivals, then, suddenly, while I was rearranging my movie files, there was some sort of technical problem and the whole documentary just went down the drain. I felt like I was stabbed by a knife. I have to redo the whole documentary again. To do or not to do, that's the question. Of course, I decided to redo it from scratch, from the beginning. Sometimes, I think it is much much easier to drink and get drunk, to smoke and get stone because it is much much easier than to really want to do something. Will the documentary ever make it to a film fest?

Life has become really tough since I have become clean from alcohol addiction and weed addiction and started to pursue my dreams or probably I have taken life a bit too seriously? I am trying to figure out what have gone wrong. Actually, I miss my alcoholic friends and weed smoking friends because they understand me the most and they love me the most.

Finally, the world is witnessing the downfall of capitalism. Yes, capitalists, you are the real crisis. I was sucked into the world of capitalism too when I was in K.L. I thought I could change the world but I let the world change me instead.

I have put on weight, thanks to my mum's cooking. I have been watching too much T.V, another addiction. Well, at least it is something legal. hehehe.

Finally, about Gaza and the Palestinians. During the war, I wrote five appeal letters to the Israeli embassies. Two Israeli embassies replied to my first letter to justify its bombings on Gaza and killings of the innocent. I refused to back down. After five appeal letters, at least one diplomat `sympathized' with my call for peace and agreed with me. I fight my own war and I won it. At that stage of my life, I felt like I had lost every thing like the Palestinians but I haven't lost the fighting spirit in me. One day, the world will see an independent Palestine because nothing can kill the great spirit of the Palestinians. When the day comes, I hope I will be there with them to celebrate the victory. Of course, my dream is to see peace in Israel and Palestine.

Secret Garden

2009-05-03T16:43:00.003+08:00

This is an abandoned space at the back of our old house in the country side that we turned into a little garden. There is a hammock too where I can relax under the tree. Yeah, it's so great to be surrounded by nature again. For me, nature has the power of healing. Hmm...why it takes so long to upload a photo. Sorry...I think I will upload the photos some other times. I am not so patient to wait around.

Few months ago. the trees in my hometown started blooming with flowers. So, everywhere was dotted with trees with pink flowers and white flowers. It was so fascinating. It was like the season of cherry blossom in Japan. So romantic. When I was in K.L, I was so deprived of nature. I felt like a fish that was put on land.

Everywhere I turn now, there are trees and plants, basically, there is live everywhere.

About the Palestinians

2008-12-30T22:50:00.003+08:00

Palestinians are the most misunderstood people on earth. They are portrayed as suicide bombers, terrorists by the media. They are often captured on camera by the media when they are throwing stones or shouting aggressively. They are depicted as nothing but a bunch of savage people who have been trying to reclaim their homeland from the Israelis.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not on the Israelis side cos I know well that they have illegally occupying the land of the Palestinians. I remember once that during a prayer meeting, we were asked to pray for Israel so that God would bless their work. Of course, I didn’t follow the instruction cos I could not be in agreement with the preacher. So, instead of asking God to bless the work of the Israelis, I prayed that the Israelis would come to their senses and stop killing the Palestinians.

I remember once that my preacher depicted the Palestinians and the Israelis as the descendants of Abraham (from two different wives). According to my preacher, if Abraham looked down through the window from heaven, he would feel sad and regretted that he married two wives, which resulted the `sibling fighting’. Well, preachers tend to say the most unexpected things sometimes. For a while, I thought this was really funny. Please pardon my ignorance. Of course, God was not all that pleased with my behavior of taking the whole issue as a joke. So, He decided to open my eyes and ears to see and hear the truth.

Time moved on and I naturally forgot about the Israelis- Palestinians conflict cos it has been going on for years and years and everyone seems to grow tired of it. Then, last year, under forced circumstances, I had to take up this job in Kuala Lumpur. Of course, I was very upset cos I had to give up my freedom and work full time like everyone else but when God wanted to have His way, there must be a purpose behind it.

One day, my General Manager forwarded me an email sent to us by another NGO, asking me to post the info about the Palestinian Film Festival on our website. There is a saying: curiosity kills the bird, right? Is it a bird or something else? Never mind, I guess you get what I mean. In this case, curiosity has been causing me so much grief So, I logged on to the website of this NGO and found that what they have been doing is quite interesting especially their community projects in the Palestinians refugee camps. So, I decided to attend the film festival to show my support.

The Palestinians Film Festival

Children of Shatila
This is a documentary directed by Mai Masri back in 1989. The documentary highlights the sufferings of many Palestinians who live in the refugee camp of Shatila in Beirut. The documentary kick starts with a voice of a child telling the story of Shatila Camp as the camera moves slowly showing the degrading condition of Shatila Camp. “This is where the massacre of Sabra-Shatila took place. There were dead people everywhere. They were buried with bulldozers. The dead lied all along this street. The bulldozers dumped them in a big ditch. Palestinians and Lebanese from all walks of life died here. Many were killed with machete. My aunt was killed as well. That is where they cut her head off.” the voice said. This is the untold story of the Palestinians.

There are children playing in the bombed out buildings with holes here and there. A boy is walking in Shatila camp which really looks unsightly as a result of frequent attacks by the Israelis soldiers. This is where the Palestinians call home. This is where the shocking and horrific Sabra-Shatila massacre took place back in 1982.

The camp is home to 15,000 Palestinians and Lebanese who share a common experience of displacement, unemployment and poverty. Fifty years after the exile of their grandparents from Palestine, the children of Shatila camp attempt to come to terms with the reality of being refugees in a camp that has survived massacre, siege and starvation.

The boy who does the walking is Issa. He was 10 years old when his father died. Since then, he has worked as a brass ware seller, a blacksmith and a vegetable seller but couldn't hold on to the jobs for more than two weeks. Finally, he starts working for the Co-op and he meets Ali.

The documentary focuses on two children in the camp. Farah, age 11 and Issa, age 12. When these children are given video cameras, the story of the camp evolves from their personal narratives as they articulate the feelings and hopes of their generation.

That night, two documentaries were screened. There was only a handful of people attended the screening. There I was, finding myself weeping uncontrollably from the beginning of the screening until the end of the screening. I was angry and sad. I was angry because of my own ignorance. I was sad because the world without a conscience has forsaken the Palestinians based on religious belief. That night, I knew I was not weeping alone. God was weeping with me.

I watched most of the documentaries and films screened during the film festival. During the final night of the film fest, I bought the black and white Palestinian shawl which was handmade by the Palestinian refugee in Beirut. I also bought the other black and white long scarf printed with the map of Palestine.

Then, one day, while at work, I found a book in the store room of my workplace. The book is called From Beirut to Jerusalem, written by Dr. Ang Swee Chai. Dr. Ang was a volunteer doctor in Beirut who witnessed the shocking massacre at Sabra and Shatila refugee camps in West Beirut. The unarmed Palestinians were systematically butchered like animals. Later she went to Jerusalem to testify against the Israelis in the Kahan commission.

The core principle of journalism is to lend a voice to voiceless. Early this year,I found myself sending an appeal letter to the Israeli embassy when the Palestinians were under attack. Subconsciously,I have taken up their cause.

The Palestinians have been attacked again. Please send an appeal letter to the Israel embassy in your country, calling for immediate halt to the gross aggression in Gaza.

Mission accomplished

2008-12-17T21:19:00.002+08:00

I am truly deeply sorry for the long long silence. Okay, let's get back to the story. In my last post, I was in K.L. Then, I thought `divine mission' accomplished and it was time to leave. I checked out from the guest house and planned to leave in the evening. Then, a friend called, asking me to fire dance in a club the following night. Great...Quick job and quick money cos I needed the money to pay my credit card. I still have to pay for this laptop. See, my laptop is featured in the beginning of the experimental video presentation I made for the film festival.

So, I checked in to the guest house again. so, the following night I did the performance. Everything went well. Phew. Actually, I always feel really nervous when ever I perform. I am a occasional fire poi dancer, writer and video artist. I try to do as many things as possible since I don't really have a real job now. It suits me well. When you don't have a fix income, you have to walk by faith, not by sight. If you have little faith, you will not be able to live like this. you will worry sick cos you don't know when is the next pay cheque.

Of course, I did screw things up. That was why I got a full time job for seven months cos I couldn't pull it through anymore. That's a big price to pay for your freedom. You can have the money (a fix job with stable income)and lose your freedom or you can have your freedom and lose the money. Life is tough, there is no way out. I really wish I could have both and great faith.

okay, then after a week, I packed my things and gave away most of my things to the christian lady I met in the interview. Finally I managed to get rid of my things and leave K.L. I really felt so grateful to that Christian lady who came to my rescue. Most of my things would be sold at a charity to collect fund for the church. Good! That was what I wanted. In the beginning, I planned to give away my things to salvation Army but I am not sure whether there is a Salvation Army in K.L.

So, I packed again and ready to leave. Then, a friend asked me to be a gallery sitter for an exhibition. After a day of contemplation, I agreed. So, I stayed back for 9 days. I actually spent 3 weeks in K.L before I headed back to my hometown and then caught the train to Bangkok to attend the opening of the film festival.

I planned to be there for 10 days but ended up spending 3 weeks there. There were so many things going on in Bangkok while I was there. It was not easy to accomplish the `divine' missions in Bangkok. I am so glad that I made it there and came back in one piece. Phew...see, every time I went to Bangkok, crazy things happened there. Last time it was the coup, this time it was the protest that went out of control. I came back before the protesters sealed the airport and bombs and all that shit.

What's next? Oh Lord please continue to provide.

I will try to write what happened in Bangkok in my next post.

The power within us

2008-10-07T14:09:00.003+08:00

This is a story I should share with everyone. The day before I came to K.L. H, my friend text me, asking me to bring a team of Christians to the hospital in K.L to pray for her ex husband who has been suffering from colon cancer. I replied that I couldn't do that cos I didn't know any christian in K.L who would do that. Anyway, I told her I would pray for her ex husband.

So, the day when I arrived in K.L for an interview, I met this Christian lady who also came for the interview. Yeah, I was in K.L for an interview, applying for a job and then secretly prayed that I wouldn't get the job cos I just couldn't see myself working at the office again. Of course, I knew that was not the reason I was `sent' to K.L.

So,M, the christian lady, invited me to stay at her place. I felt reluctant(I really needed a place to stay) but she managed to drag me along, very persistent. Anyway, I was glad that she offered me to stay with her cos the hostel was fully booked. Then, I told her that I needed someone to go to the hospital to pray for K, H's ex husband. M immediately agreed. So, we went off to the hospital to pray for H. Strange that for the past few years, God has been using me to comfort the sick. Of course, I wouldn't be able to do that if I was alone with my own strength.

Even when I was in Bangkok two years ago, I was prompted to send this homeless French man who was suffering from some sort of severe skin cell infection ( something like that)on his leg to the hospital. Of course, I wouldn't be able to do that alone, there was a Thai lady that came along. Then, the doctor told us that he was sent on time or else, his leg would have to be amputated. We eventually contacted the French embassy cos I couldn't afford to pay for his medical bill. Thinking back, it was really crazy and at times I couldn't believe I actually did that. God's power must be at work within us.

Actually I am more than happy to do God's work as long as He continue to provide cos doing His work can be costly sometimes.

Of course, I didn't get the job cos I have a feeling that I have to be on the journey again. After spending a week in K.L. I am ready to go home now so that I can have a proper rest. Phew...

Happy Together

2008-09-09T15:10:00.002+08:00

This morning I was woken up by a phone call from Kavern. No, I no longer need a wakeup call or an alarm clock anymore since I quit my job. Being able to sleep as much as you want is a form of luxury (well at least for me). Kavern asked me to have breakfast. Of course, for Kavern, I’ll do anything cos we don’t get to see each other often. I really wish that our paths would cross more often. The last time we got together was two years ago after he went for brain surgery, in the process of recovery and going through radiotherapy. Yeah, we only see each other in pretty extreme circumstances. This time the brain cancer has come back on him.
Here I am again, finding myself at my sister’s apartment in Penang on the 6th floor while Kavern is on the first floor. We are not just friends, we have become neighbors again. I have known Kavern for more than 10 years. When I first met him, he told me that he felt like he had known me in his past life. I laughed when he told me that but now I do believe that. Our fates were always intertwined during the periods when we felt the whole world had fallen on us.
Here we are, happy together again and I wish the time would just stop right here….

I hope......

2008-08-28T21:52:00.004+08:00

I live my life believing in hope and God because that is the only way to keep me going! The other day, I was persecuted by an atheist again, he tried to denounce the existence of God. Well, I really wanted to tell him that the reason I am still alive is because of God's grace but yet there is no solid scientific evidence to prove it. God is so abstract, it's like the wind, you can feel it but yet you can't see it.

Everything seems so bleak sometimes and I keep telling myself there is going to be better days. We all have died like Christ and resurrected again and again in life and sometimes I wonder when it's going to end! No, we all gonna resurrect and shine like Christ so that glory will be upon him cos we are made in God's likeness and he has walked with us and we are not alone. I keep telling myself!

A friend is fighting with cancer again! I pray with my tears and hope and hope and hope that everything is gonna to be alright again.

Oh Lord, if I wiped your feet with my tears, would you save him once more?

Rented crowd!

2008-08-12T16:21:00.005+08:00

I am so sorry for the long silence again. I have been busy socializing, attending parties back to back...crazy world. Last Friday nite, attending opening ceremony of an art exhibition at my fave art gallery. As usual, it went on and on and turned into a party. So, we all started dancing the nite away...there were drinks, snacks, good vibes and interesting peoples...and many gays! My world has become so queer recently. The party went on til 2.30am. Yes, it's not just an art gallery...is a community!

Saturday nite, attending pool side birthday party at an embassy! Beautiful place....another crazy party...I was fire dancing and fed with so much drink. In the end, I started dancing with this Brazilian guy..doing Brazilian dance. Then eight of us packed into a car, we were basically sitting or semi lying and overlapping each other, heading to another party... The last time I did something so crazy like this was when I was in Bangkok, we did that in a tuk-tuk! Madness!

At around 2am, we started club hopping then headed for our supper-beef noodle soup! It had been a while since I drank so much...My head was aching! Then, I told myself, enough partying!

Recently, I met so many nice peoples who appreciate my talents and believe in me. Life has become a celebration again even though life is still filled with ups and downs but being surrounded by nice peoples make every tough moment much much bearable!

Then, Sunday afternoon. F and I walked to the Lake Garden to be up close and personal with mother nature. It was a good way to cure my hang over! We sat by the moat, swans watching! It was really a pleasant day. Another fren came to join us and we managed to see the sunset! Then, we went for beef noodle soup again (just can't have enough of it!) and followed by Turkish coffee at an Arab restaurant!

Now I have a new occupation: rented crowd!

Question, question, question....

2008-07-15T19:47:00.003+08:00

So sorry for the long silence. Well, I have been writing a lot recently but the things I wrote have became very personal. The things I wrote on my blog are actually very personal. Few months ago, a colleague discovered my blog and I freaked out cos I just assumed she couldn't accept the way I am. Surprisingly, after that she kind of being extra nice to me. Yes Puteri, I am talking about you. Thanks for the lovely shoes. I have been wearing it. So sorry that I didn't make it to your wedding today cos I just don't have anything nice to wear, you know, my skirts are way to short. I will catch up with you and pass you the wedding gift soon.

Ok, some updates about what I have been up to in K.L. Yeah, I am still stuck in K.L but I keep thinking about leaving every other day. My luggage is too heavy. I can't move them, so I can't leave. Well, probably this is just an excuse. I don't know why, I keep comparing my life with the good old days and my life now is not really up to my expectation. I have a very high expectation towards life...I mean quality life. I used to have so good life and now my life is not as good as before anymore. The days of glory had gone and I just can't make it happen again anymore and sometimes I wonder why.

I used to be so free and now my wings are crippled. I can no longer be as free as a bird anymore. I should be travelling and be on that magical journey. What have happened to me? Suddenly, I just feel I need to have a sense of community, to see the same person again and again. Why suddenly I changed. I am so afraid of these changes that I can no longer have control over it. My life has a life of its own now. Is this something have to do with my age? Why I suddenly wanted to settle down in one place. Oh, this is the worst thing I fear most and it's happening to me.

I have been struggling so hard to have a normal life again after spending so many years travelling around living a nomadic life. I still live in a guesthouse cos I need to feel a sense of familiarity and many people questioned my choice and I don't really expect them to understand.

I used to live in this two storey apartment when I was in Bangkok. I spent a lot of time being alone in that spacious place. The sense of emptiness was so unbearable. I don't feel that anymore cos I am into communal living now. I just need to feel a sense of connection with people. I gotta go. I have been seeing this guy but I am not really in love.....or anything.

In suffering, there is God....

2008-06-22T17:00:00.003+08:00

Oh my.....last week had been really crazy, I really thought I was dying. I mean I really felt like dying. I woke up in the morning having really high fever and the fever refused to subside for days even though I was on medication. About the blood, no, I didn't cough blood, I was brushing my teeth that morning and I must have hurt my tooth that it bled and then I coughed. I really freaked out that morning. Hahahaha.

I am getting well. I contacted a few friends to ask them to pray for me. The fever subsided the following morning. That's the power of prayers. My friend and her kids are the prayers warriors. Of course, whenever she needs my prayers, she will contact me. She says that God favours my prayers, well, I really hope so. Well, I think God desires everyone's prayers. God wants us to be close to Him. I remember when we used to sit in a circle and hold hands and prayed. I could feel that was some sort of `very powerful current' circulating in us. In christianity, we called it the power of the Holy Spirit.

The greatest priviledge in my life is knowing Jesus and His love. In good and bad times, He walks with me.

A world without Kriss

2008-06-19T13:08:00.005+08:00

So sorry for the long silence. What have I been up to these days? Night tripping, imsonia, attending one event after another, bad health. Actually, I have been sick for the past few days and have been on medication but it seems I am not getting better. I coughed a bit of blood this morning. I guess it is time to leave the city and breathe some fresh air...

How about a world without Kriss?

housewife official video

2008-06-01T15:25:00.001+08:00

This is from the amazing Jay Brannan.

The way we are

2008-06-01T14:32:00.001+08:00

We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are.~Anais Nin

AIDS Memorial Day

2008-05-17T20:59:00.002+08:00

This afternoon I attended an inter faith AIDS memorial service organised by an NGO in memory of those who died of AIDS. This was the first time I came face to face with people living with HIV. I was shocked that majority of them are housewives and the last thing that will come on one's mind upon meeting them is that they are HIV positive. I talked to one of them and found out that she has been living with HIV for seven years. I guess majority of them were infected by their husbands. The other day, my friend, a single mother who attended a gathering like this was shocked and commented that marriage is like one form of death sentence for some women. I totally agree with her.

The actual AIDS Memorial Day is on 18 May which is also the Idaho Day, a day against homophobia. So, on Saturday nite, I attended a club event at a gay club. It was a great nite out, a nite of plenty of affection and love. We did the `hug hug thing'. It is great to be somewhere where everyone feel celebrated and safe by being who they are. A `I love gays' sticker was on my pinkish sleeve, not to mention the red ribbon and a Pink Triangle pendant on my neck. I was all out in solidarity with the gay community. I used to have many gay friends who made me feel celebrated, respected and so loved. That nite, a few gay man came to `chat me up' politely. One of them asked me to join others to dance on the podium. He then asked me to pull up his shirt to reveal a tattoo on his back. In return, I pulled up my pinkish shirt to show him my tattoo too, a rather funny tattoo sharing session. He laughed when he found out that I am straight. Then, he pointed to a bunch of gorgeous topless men who were dancing on the podium and asked if I was interested to get to know anyone of them. Hmmm......how about having all of them dancing around me, I thought...hehehe..It was so great to feel totally comfortable in my own skin again and celebrated.

Recently, I asked God why the so called HIS peoples are so judgemental and condemning. Of course, God always has an answer for my question, always. Few weeks ago, I came across a book called `The sins of the Scriptures reveal the love of God'. It was written by a pastor and I felt really comforted after reading the pages about gay people. Finally, I found a christian who speaks the `same language' with me. Of course, there was not it. Last week, I attended a talk and met a bunch of christian gay people who believe God loves them. I had the answer I was looking for.

I know there are many peoples out there especially gay, transsexuals and people who are outcast by the society who believe they are not worthy of God's love because of the way they are. Well, aren't they all created by God the way they are to fulfill a purpose of love. To put us all to the test to see how far we can actually love..can we actually love like the way God loves which is beyond our understanding. Yes, at times, I was amazed and could not comprehend how God could love like the way He did which put me to shame cos I had underestimated His love and His ability to love those whom we think are not worthy of His love.

God loves gay people and there is no doubt about it and shouldn't be any argument about that.

Mission accomplished

2008-05-13T20:35:00.007+08:00

I just came back from Royal Belum. The mission went smoothly. It was so great to be back there again. I was surprised that Ema still remembers my name. I was there to conduct need assessment in February with wendy, my partner in crime. Ema was sitting on a bamboo raft washing her cloth the first time I saw her. She was abashed when I jumped on to the raft and tried to interview her. That is what we normally do during assessment- talking to the people, a lot of talking in order to dig as much info as possible.

The settlement is so remote. It took us one hour by boat to reach there. Of course, the boat journey itself is something to die for. Royal Belum is still a hidden paradise. In fact, you need to apply for permit to get into certain area because it is still considered as security area. On the way to the settlement, we stopped by at the army checkpoint to pass them our name list.

We basically brought most of the dental equipment with us including the dental chair and the compressor. So, one boat was loaded with equipments and another boat was loaded with us, the hot chicks...hehehe.

I was so thrilled to be back there again and I really wish that I could be the permanent team member. Ema and a few girls were teaching the kids singing and reading. Oh my God, the kids with afro hair were so so so cute that I went hysterical when I saw them. We were a team of nine members, strictly all female. Girl power! We basically transferred the community hall into a make shirt dental clinic. The super composed and cool dentist Goo was working hard. I felt exhausted just by looking at her treating one patient after another.

The first visitor to our dental mobile clinic was a middle aged mama with a boy tied to her chests. The boy was lying on her chests while she had her teeth examined and fixed by Goo. Ema was kind enough to take the boy away from her but the boy kept crying unstoppably. So, eventually, I offered to ‘take care’ of the crying child. He stopped crying the moment I held her in my arms. Everyone was surprised when they saw that. I was surprised too. Wendy came around to tease the boy, I quickly shooed her away. So, I ended up babysitting him til the mother was done with her dental session. I was doing registration most of the time.

The happily retired Dr. V was conducting pap smear in the store room. Dr. V asked us to take turn to see how she conducted pap smear. So, Wendy was going to the store room and gestured me to come along. So, I put on the surgical mask and went in after her. First time in my life that I witnessed how pap smear was done. I was shocked that how women have to go through this thing.

The Orang Asli women were just so cool, all of them sitting around in a group waiting for their pap smear session. I was the one who was more nervous than them. I held on to Ema’s hand when Goo was trying hard to remove her tooth. The kids pulled in after they finished school at 2pm. They were lead by their teachers. Goo managed to performed dental treatment for fifteen students but there was still a long waiting list. So, they were asked to come back again next month for their sessions.

I tried to borak-borak with the teachers, asking them whether they needed extra teachers. Well, I can imagine myself be a volunteer teacher there. This time I was so busy that I couldn't find time to sit under a tree and chill with the ultra cool old folks there just like I did during my last trip there but I know this is just the beginning for me.

`Indigenous peoples are entitled to self-determination'

Divine love

2008-05-07T19:41:00.006+08:00

When I was in high school, I joined the school trip to visit a few places in Malaysia. We checked in to a doggy hotel in Chow Kit. Chow Kit is this downtown red light district populated by sex workers and drug addicts. The accommodation was arranged by our bus driver. Well, the teachers should have known better that Chow Kit was not a proper place for school trip. Hmmm...So, they we were, a bunch of school kids, wondering around the streets of Chow Kit without parental or teachers’ guidance. I still remember vividly the sex worker standing in front of a dark stairway. On that moment, I knew my life was not going to be the same again cos I have been drawn to the forbidden and abandoned side of the world.

After more than 20 years, I was back there, surrounded by a bunch of orphans. I summoned all my strength to carry the heavy box filled with medicines up the narrow stairway. The stairway was flanked by walls painted with murals. I was exhausted but it had to be done. The orphanage was beautifully decorated and clean. It was something you don’t expect to see in places like Chow Kit.

So, without a moment to waste, we quickly set up the mobile clinic. We arranged all the needed medical equipments on two tables. Sister taught us how to take BP and to weight and scale the height of the kids. Some of the kids looked abashed when I asked them where they lived. They shyly or rather shamefully told me that they lived nearby. Then, I realised that I shouldn't ask them this question cos most of them spend most of the day in the orphanage which also serves a drop in centre. There are also permanently live-in children. Most of the kids we examined were in good health but they were these three sisters who were having high fever. Dr. W asked me to give them medicine. I carried one of the young sisters and let her sit on my lap. I heard from Sister C that they are actually five siblings who are left by their mother in the centre. Many of the children have no birth certificate. Therefore, they are not vaccinated and can’t go to school.

I held on to the little hand and put a wet face tower on her forehead. On that moment, I felt divine love and affection which I have been deprived of, I believed she felt the same way too. There we were, feeding each other love as if the whole universe had taken centre stage in us. I put my hand over her head and prayed for her. God had led me to where I belong, where I could feel His presence and a sense of belonging and unconditional love. This is what I have been craving for...Then, I realised I need to be free again...

Foolish Games

2008-05-07T18:26:00.001+08:00

Six degrees of separation

2008-05-07T18:23:00.004+08:00

There are boxes lying around on the third floor (where all the relief experts of our org stationed and where I stationed too but I am not one of the relief experts cos I have never been to a disaster area. Our office looks like it was hit by cyclone too. Our team is ready to be deployed. Bad timing cos tomorrow is my last working day. Suddenly, I become so free, nothing much to do cos I have handed over my Sudan and North Korea projects to my colleague. Of course, this is not the time for me to leave, judging on the situation now cos four of our relief members are leaving for Myanmar. Of course, I will be back to the office if they needed me. To make things worse, another cyclone is heading towards the direction of Bangladesh. We just completed the pond cleaning projects in Bangladesh and the cyclone is heading there again. Can the cyclone take a turn and head back to where it came from?!!

Of course, I have been handling very complex project, supporting our two officers in Sudan from the headquarters. Last month, there was a killing rampage going on in where our officers stationed. I was basically on call 24 hours, keeping in touch with our officers, which is part of the security protocol. I was basically in emergency mode for two weeks until our officers were safely relocated. The situation was so intense that I felt mentally and emotionally exhausted cos if anything happened to them, I would be completely screwed. I am so glad that this has come to an end. No more tears and despair. I am no longer responsible for their lives. Nothing to be accountable for...I am gonna walk away quietly tomorrow and be free again. Finally the suffering is over but yet I can sense that it’s not quite over yet. I am still gonna be the faithful volunteer...once a volunteer, always a volunteer...next week I am gonna join the dental team to go on mission to Royal Belum...something which is more relaxing and what I really enjoy doing...to be close to the beneficiaries...perhaps, it’s better this way.

Lead me....

2008-04-20T00:34:00.002+08:00

The other day, while spending a whole day in a meeting, I carefully scrutinising everyone's facial expression and gesture, the way they talked , the way they moved, the way they treated me and suddenly I realised that I don't belong there. Oh Lord, take my hand and lead me to where I belong, where I can feel a sense of belonging and feel the closeness with You again. Lead me....

Mimi

2008-04-11T00:36:00.003+08:00

Today, I dumped my work aside and eloped with my best friend Mimi to our little escapade. Mimi knows exactly how to make me happy. We can have the whole world under our feet when we are together but we don't get to be together often. We are both tortured souls who can impart healing to each other. She always appears when I am troubled as if she was part of me...If I lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Chasing Cars

2008-04-11T00:05:00.001+08:00

Stillness

2008-04-07T20:06:00.003+08:00

The day has bid farewell, greeted by the twilight. It has been so long since I last saw the stars... I have almost forgotten how the moon looks like...My beloved colleagues in Sudan told me that they could hear gunfire from a close distance. The peoples were shooting at the stars as my colleagues concluded. what a sweet lie to comfort me, I thought. I try to imagine their fear which is laced with hope, hope for better days, for silence, stillness and peace....I wish the wind would whisper my prayers to them.....

Crying darfur 2008

2008-04-04T19:20:00.003+08:00

Let’s talk about Sudan. How many people actually know what is going on in Sudan? Well, the situation there is so complex that I can’t really come up with an opinion. You see, normally, I am very opinionated....Genocide, crime against humanity, UNAMID (Peace Keeping Troops), UN Security Council, ethnic cleansing by the central government..... JEM, the rebels...what else...but one thing I know is that the peoples there need help....especially protection. It is such a great challenge to deliver humanitarian assistance there. This year alone, from January til March, 84 humanitarian personnel were kidnapped, not to mention 75 humanitarian vehicles were hijacked.
During the Rwanda era, the peace keeping troops pulled out, indirectly allowing the ethnic cleansing to go full scale. As a result, hundred thousand of peoples were brutally wiped out including women and children. I pray that history will not repeat itself, I pray that God will cut off the power of darkness in Sudan, we have to do something to change the outcome this time around. Our action comes with power and grace, let’s take action.... write a letter, lobby the Sudanese government, sign a petition, just do what ever you can....let's pray

...............

2008-04-03T19:20:00.002+08:00

The beauty of being tired is that you don’t have the energy to think whether you are happy or not. Everyone needs someone, I guess. I want to watch horror movie at the cinema but no one wants to watch it with me. I miss my Russian girlfriend. She left her blueberry chocolate in the fridge for me but I didn’t go to pick it up. I miss my colleagues who are in Sudan. I haven’t called my parents for the past two weeks. I spend too long hours at the office these days. Sarah, the traveller, left a note on my bed before she left.

Looking back...

2008-03-27T19:12:00.005+08:00

It has been a long long day at work but it doesn't matter cos I received a very comforting email from an editor from Bangkok. Sometime life is really unexpected and unpredictable. He told me that my article will be published in April in my favourite magazine. I used to look at the beautiful photos and stories in that magazine and wished that one day my story would be in the magazine. I used to struggle very hard financially when I was a freelance writer. The payment never came on time. Sometime I had to wait for as long as 6 months to finally receive my paycheque.

Frankly speaking, I have a much better life when I was a freelance journalist even though I was so broke most of the time but I received so much blessings and grace from God and constantly surrounded by friends who gave me so much love. Probably because I was free enough to give so much love to people around me too. When I was in Cameron Highlands for my two weeks break from work, I went for a walk in the tea plantation, played with my friend's baby girl, went trekking, relaxed at the playground, took the dog to go for a walk, made apple crumbles for my friends, talked about God's love. That all happened in two week's time. It used to be my life but now it is a a two weeks holiday. Sometimes, I really wish I could turn back the clock....really.

A day at work

2008-03-13T19:40:00.004+08:00

While I was typing away on my laptop at work, kak Hayat came over and cover my ears with her palms. Then, we experienced some sort of static shock which was quite shocking to me. She sprang off and we were puzzled and in shock. Then, in the afternoon, kak Zu came over to have a chat with me. While joking, I tried to poke her and same thing happened again that both of us sprang off from each other. Of course, as the time moved on, we tend to forget about it and she came over again to talk. This time, she try to poke me. Yeah, we love to do this Face Book poke in the office. Then, zzzz....we were electrified again. This time around it was heard and witnessed by Wendy. I was basically sitting and pacing around the carpeted office barefooted and wearing synthetic attire. Probably I have a high volume of electrons in my body.

Today, my colleagues thought that I must have suffered from Hyperthyroidism cos I have been very hyper.

Today, I was in the waiting mode. I was waiting for replies from certain people who haven't replied my emails. So, I spent time doing desk research and writing my own TOR. Yes, things are quite unconventional in this org. I was asked to write my own job descriptions which is pretty laughable for me. Well, at least I was given the freedom to do that. Oh, tomorrow I have to make a few important phone calls. I have to call up the Ministry of Foreign Affair. Then, on Saturday, I will go for a lunch meeting with a diplomat. Oh..God please give me the courage to do all these.

Let's humble our hearts and seek Him.

2008-03-12T19:57:00.003+08:00

Hmm....So sorry for the long silence. I have been busy as usual. I have been posted at Relief and Operation Dept. since I came back from my well deserved two weeks break from work. On 14 Feb while I was still enjoying my last few days of my holidays in Cameron Highlands, I received an sms from my colleague. According to her, I would be going to Royal Belum State Park to conduct a need assessment with her. Of course, it came as a great news. We are talking about 150million years old rain forest. You can imagine how thrilled I was. So, I went back to K.L, spending a night there and then off again before dawn the following day to the rain forest.

Of course, when everything seems so fine, something bad always happen. Two weeks ago, my father had an accident at work. His hand slipped into the wood polishing machine and his fingers were severely injured. That evening, I was prompted to sms my brother. Then, my brother called me up and informed me what had happened to my father. I caught the bus that night to go back to my hometown to see my father. He had to go through nearly 3 hours surgery. So, I spent 2 nights at the medical centre to keep an eye on him. Of course, during the darkest hours, we always draw closer to God. I prayed (and about to wail and beat my chest like the tax collector in the bible) to God and asked God to comfort my father and strenghten him. Of course, God is good. My father has since been recovering speedily. Praise the Lord for His kindness.

The Good Friday and Easter is just around the corner. Let's take time to seek God and engage in prayers. May all of us live a life which will bring glory to Him. Praise the Lord for His forgiveness and His unfailing love.

In movement

2008-02-09T15:52:00.000+08:00

Sent via wireless TWINHEAD

untitled

2008-02-09T15:39:00.000+08:00

Sent via wireless TWINHEAD

Happy Chinese New Year by Dr. Shan

2008-02-09T14:39:00.000+08:00

Happy Chinese New Year!!!
Gong Xi Fa Cai !!!
Kong Hei Fatt Choy !!!
Keong Hee Huat Chai !!!
Sae Hae Bok Man Ee Bak Hae !!!
Cung Chuc Tan Xuan !!!
Shinnen Omedeto !!!

May the lucky rat bring you good health,
overflowing wealth and sagely wisdom !!!

love, shan

Sent from my StrawBerry® wireless device!!!

The drumming guy in that Chinese New Year greeting ecard is Dr. Shan, one of our EXCO members. The ecard was sent to us via `his Strawberry device'. It was a rather sarcastic remark cos our president was given a Blackberry phone by this phone line company so that she can be in contact wherever she is. So, Dr. Shan came up with his very own Strawberry device which of course is not really in existence but he managed to make everyone of us laugh very hard.

Sent via wireless TWINHEAD

Technology is good

2008-02-08T22:10:00.000+08:00

I am on two weeks break from work. This is the time for self realization. I am surrounded by nature now. This is exactly what I want cos I really need this break and deserve it. On the other hand, I am still so concerned about my work. I take time to download emails everyday just to be informed about what has been going on at work since I left.

Technology is just so amazing when you put it to good use. The forest is basically just at my door step yet I can be connected to the whole world, I mean literally, isn’t this amazing? The laptop and wireless internet connection were invented for a very good reason. We can actually work from home or wherever you are. I would like to suggest that companies let their staff to work from home occasionally cos it is possible and it can be done effectively.

It would be great if I could work from where I am now. I really don’t like living in Kuala Lumpur all that much but I had to because of my job. So, I really hope that miracle would happen. Let’s pray that everyone will be free to be wherever they choose to be and yet still be able to earn a living. This is what globalization should be, or else it is just pointless. It is so cold here and the air smells like strawberry…..

Sent via wireless TWINHEAD

Sphere Training

2008-02-05T20:14:00.001+08:00

Last week, I was asked to submit a story to be posted on the website. Well, I did come up with the story but I guess it won't get the green light from the management. So, here is another story which will perish and never make it to the website. You know, the phase `human rights' is a very sensitive phase. So, here you go...

X NGO always believes in capacity building. So, both volunteers and X NGO staff are often put together to attend all sorts of trainings. Sphere training is a special training tailor made for humanitarian workers. This means that this training is very important. In fact, the training is based on a handbook called The Sphere Project which emphasizes on humanitarian charter and minimum standards in disaster response.

X NGO held a 4-day Sphere Training on 24th to 27th January 2008 at Sri Dinar Training Center in Janda Baik. The training was facilitated by Mr. C.K Pathak and Mr. Sriraman who hailed all the way from RedR India. RedR India is part of RedR International network, a humanitarian and independent voluntary organisation which has an executive committee composed of persons having a long track record in the field of disaster response, disaster preparedness, rural development, training and humanitarian work.

Upon arrival at Sri Dinar Training Center, Wendy and I were totally lured by the outdoor training facilities such as the endurance circuit, the flying fox, rock climbing wall and so on which were not included in our training programme but it was fine because we managed to tried out one of the training facilities.

The chalets were spacious and clean, surrounded by mother nature which we, the city folks are deprived of. The 4-day training programme incorporated both theoretical and stimulation activities. What I found to be really inspiring and comforting during the training was that the Humanitarian Charter in the Sphere Project was formed based on International Declaration of Human Rights 1948 and many other human rights related international covenants and conventions recognized by the United Nations under international law. At last, humanitarianism was explained and put in the right context.

On the second day, during the simulation session which started at 7am, we were asked to fill a bucket with the amount of water for survival during disaster response based on Sphere minimum standard, which is 7 litre to 15 litre per person per day. We were so shocked to see that the water is so little that it looks really pathetic.

Then, we were asked to fetch water from point A to point B based on the amount of water we think we need for ourselves and our family and it was not an easy task at all. The invaluable lesson learnt that morning was that we tend to take the most important and invaluable things in life for granted. It is such a blessing that we have water to drink and wash ourselves every day.

Another simulation activity was camp building. We were divided into two groups. One group was assigned to play the roles of the Internal Displaced Persons such as children, grandpa, grandma, mother, father, disabled sister and a cow. Then, another group was assigned to build a tent that could accommodate a family of 7 people.

It was a fun and laughter filled activity. We were given two plastic sheets and a few wooden poles. So, we had to improvise. We even took the blankets from the chalet to partisan the tent. Again, it was such a good learning experience. Time moved on without notice, the training finally came to an end. I felt reluctant to leave and go back to the city. It was a great training and I came away feeling inspired, motivated and empowered.

Technofied princess

2008-01-21T13:52:00.000+08:00

This morning, the loud speakers of the bus were blasting pil popping old skool techno. I felt totally technofied when I arrived at the office. Yeah, I was out and about two nites in a row. Friday nite, my obscenely rich new found friends took us to an after-hour party escorted by bodyguards, feeling like a princess again. The other day, I just complained to myself that it had been so long since I was last treated like a princess. Be careful of what you wish cos you might just get it and then don't know how to handle it.

My Italian tie

2008-01-21T13:48:00.001+08:00

18 January, Friday-I am feeling dysfunctional again. Is this something normal or is just me? Well, probably it’s because it’s Friday. Okay, on Monday, my beloved colleague S gave me a made in Italy flowers printed silk tie that I think even my parents won’t wear it. Since everyone in the office knows that I have a strange obsession with tie. So, occasionally, someone would offer to give me a tie they purchased 10 years ago. Of course, I would say yes cos I didn’t want to offend them or make them feel that their choices of ties are not on par with mine fashionably.

So, after mentioning about giving me a tie for the past few months, S finally handed me the tie. According to her, it took her a month to make the effort to search for the tie in her storeroom, then another month to make the effort to hand wash it and finally ironed it and handed it to me.

When I saw the tie, I almost fell off my chair. Oh God, I felt trapped. I just wished that she would get over it after that. So, finally, THE DAY came when she started to grumble and question me why I didn’t wear the tie. So, to avoid her from murmuring any further, I promised her that I would wear it the following day.
So, this morning, I was struggling to decide whether to wear or not to wear. I didn’t wear it but I took the tie with me. On the bus to work, I put on the tie. When S saw me in the office, she came close and whispered: `good.’

Comfortably numb

2008-01-16T19:10:00.000+08:00

Dear readers, so sorry for the long silence. I have been busy. Well, I am part of the rat race now. So, I have to live with the fact, even sometimes I am not really all that busy but since everyone has been so busy, so I have to pretend that I am damn busy too in order to fit in to the rat race perfectly. Hehehe, I am just laughing at myself. I am not laughing at anyone of you. I am comfortably numbed. Actually, comfortably numb is a song by Pink Floyd.

Photography

2008-01-02T20:22:00.000+08:00

I love photography. For me, photography is a therapy. It makes me smile. My photos have appeared in newspapers, magazines and website. So, anyone wanna hire me on project basis? Trying to sell myself..hehe

Downtown Chinatown

2008-01-02T20:01:00.000+08:00

I love downtown Chinatown. Kuala Lumpur is devided into up town and down town. Up town areas are where you can find trendy shopping malls, bars and restaurants where the richies hang out. Down town areas are where the foreign immigrants and notorious people like me hang out.

Colourful bras, anyone? The other day my colleague talked about faminism but insisted that she is not a bra burning faminist cos bras are very expensive these days. Well, come to Chinatown, it will make bra burning all so affordable.

This is priceless.
Small scale business solely owned by the local.

Eye food

2008-01-02T19:49:00.000+08:00

When I arrived in Kuala Lumpur 3 months ago, I was amazed by this sight. I was not the only person in awe. A few tourist stopped to admire it too.

What's up?

2008-01-02T19:29:00.000+08:00

Hey, what’s up? When I first joined the organization, I was told not to use the phase `What’s up?” in my email addressing to my General Manager cos it was deemed not `corporate’ enough. Fine! After 3 months, I confronted her about this issue during our drinking session at the ultra posh Luna Bar. Since then, we all started to call each other babe, psycho and auntie, etc. Drop that corporate image bullshit thing. Finally, we all decided to be the way we are. We feel frustrated at times at work but in the end of the day, we know we love the organization and that is what keeps us going.

IIlegal assembly?!!

2008-01-02T14:26:00.000+08:00

Illegal assembly? Hindraf (Hindu Rights Action Force ) in action again? Don't worry. It is just a bunch of foreign immigrants gathering outside a store watching Tamil movie on the tiny T.V in the downtown area of Kuala Lumpur.

Happy New Year 2008

2008-01-02T13:53:00.000+08:00

Here, I would like to wish everyone Happy New Year 2008. Hope this year will bring joy, accomplishments, love, peace, good health and all the best of things. Yes, creative living, it is very important to be creative. Think about what to do when you are stuck in the traffic jam or get frustrated with work. What to wear to spice up your day at the office or to be a head turner when you walk down the street to catch the bus to work…. (in my case). I have a collection of funky ties that shout out loud. Fashion is good for the soul and is very empowering.

This year I am going to come up with New Year Resolutions cos there are so many things to do to get on my feet and live a desireble life again. So, I need to get things sorted out as soon as possible. Hopefully everyone of us has an exciting 2008.

First love

2007-12-10T19:46:00.001+08:00

World Human Rights Day

2007-12-10T19:34:00.000+08:00

This morning, I woke up feeling dysfunctional. Anyway, I dragged myself to work. Then, I realized everyone was out and about attending events except me and two other colleagues. I did my media monitoring session as usual. The main news that graces the front pages of many newspapers is about lawyers and activists arrested during a peaceful assembly yesterday morning in conjunction with the World Human Rights Day today. As usual, I am in favour of the lawyers and activists who tried to practice their right to peaceful assembly because Article 10 of the Federal Constitution gives us the right to peaceful assembly.

Under forgotten circumstances, S, my colleague started to attack me when I told her that I have never voted in my life cos I simply don’t believe in voting and politic. Then, she kept insisting that I don’t have the right to talk about human rights if I don’t want to practice my right to vote. I repeatedly told her that I am not concerned about my right to vote cos I am more concerned about other rights. According to her, her father used to fight against British imperialism during the old days for our right to vote. Of course, I understand how that had affected her. I told her that one of my friends used to be imprisoned without trial which really affected me a lot too. That’s why I am very concerned about human rights violation and state violence.

Then, we started to raise our voices to outdo each other’s voice. It was quite a comical scenario. I actually had to approach her to calm her down and she stood up starting to grab my arms as it we were about to engage in a wrestling session. Then, we started laughing and later we went out to have lunch. I promised her(did I?) that next time I am gonna vote in memory of her father who had fight for our right to vote even though I am very much an anarchist. (I can always void the vote…opps…)

Wishing all of you a peaceful and un-confrontational World Human Rights Day. Hmm…..very unlikely.

So precious...

2007-12-05T19:20:00.000+08:00

Last Sunday, I went to KLCC park, lying on the grass, watching the blue sky and trees around me. At that moment, I felt really happy, properly happy....Mother nature becomes so precious these days....

That Saturday Evening

2007-11-20T19:09:00.000+08:00

I have been super busy juggling my job and my social life lately. I don't have much time for creative writing anymore. It has been a month since I last updated my blog. I am tired most of the time, not to mention pretty numbed by the workload. The other day, while I was walking on the overhead bridge, I saw a woman sitting on the railing of the bridge. She stared at me and I stared at her. Then, I just moved on. Can you believe this?

Then, suddenly, a visual past through my mind like an indie short film, depicting the woman jumping off the bridge and hit by a car. It was like a hit on my head, I immediately turned back and asked a guy to pull her down from the railing. Phew..... Yes, She was trying to commit suicide and I happened to walk past. If you believe in God, you know this is not a coincidence. There was a Christian guy; stopping by to tell her that Jesus loves her because she was/ is/ was is a Christian, a lost sheep? This is not a coincidence.

Then, there was this Muslim woman trying to console her. I didn't know what to say to her. She was heart broken in a relationship. I told her that we care about her and God loves her. That was a Saturday evening, I just came back from a local pilot project that took place in Muar, Johor......bitten by sand flies all over my arms and feet..... I was tired and numbed ..... And a woman was trying to commit suicide...

Transformation

2007-10-22T18:22:00.000+08:00

So so sorry for the long long silence. I started working for a humanitarian agency since 2 weeks ago. I have been wonderfully busy and at times awfully busy, which is good for the time being. I have been appointed as the Publications Officer. I had a good laugh when I was told cos I expected myself to be called a writer. Well, it is a good training ground for me to grow in many ways.

Yeah, this is a job that I like. I actually looking forward to going to work every morning, which I think is pretty weird cos in the beginning I couldn't visualise myself going to work in a office, not to mention wearing high heels and office attire again. This is something holistic cos I am doing something which is completely new. My life has been transformed yet I feel quite positive about this transformation.

I have to confess that I used to be quite judgmental towards the working class. Actually, it requires a lot of strength to wake up early in the morning to brave the traffic jam and crowd to work. I guess as long as you are doing something you love doing, everything seems to be quite alright even you have to stuck in the traffic jam...Well, I am wearing my pleated skirt and tie printed with Korean characters, not bad at all.

Actually, I fell really ill after my first week of work. I was suffering from allergic reaction, which had never happened before. Maybe my body wasn't ready to adjust to this new way of life and environment.

The coming weekend, I will be joining the mobile clinic co-organized by my agency and UNHCR. Then followed by a conference and SPHERE Training (it is some sort of emergency response training) next month. For you well wishers out there, please pray for me cos I really need extra strength to do all these.

Radiohead-Fake Plastic Trees

2007-10-01T13:19:00.001+08:00

Student activist expelled in Singapore

2007-09-18T15:58:00.000+08:00

A second-year fine art student was expelled by LASALLE College of Arts in Singapore recently after he was suspected of tagging the brand new premises of LASALLE with 'It has to start somewhere' graffiti.

I talked to that student recently in Singapore. According to him, he is just a suspect, the college has yet to come up with any solid evidence. So, personally I think the punishment is a bit too harsh considering he is just a suspect and yet to be put on trial. The inside story is this: the student is actively involved in human rights activism, so this harsh punishment is like a form of intimidation.

Of course, I am totally against the vandalism. I think it is okay to practise freedom of speech and expression as long as it doesn't violate the basic human rights of other peoples.
Anyway, I think the student deserve a second chance. So, I really hope that Singaporeans or anyone out there can appeal for this student. What you can do is to write an appeal letter and send, fax or email it to:
LASALLE College of the Arts
1 McNally Street
Singapore 187940
Tel : (+65) 6496 5000
Fax : (+65) 6496 5353
Email: enquiries@lasalle.edu.sg

Amazing grace.

2007-09-18T14:31:00.000+08:00

So sorry for the long silence. I have been busy since I arrived in Johor on 31 Aug. I joined the Healing Rally conducted by pastor John Tharu from India. It had been so long since I last felt the powerful presence of the Holy Spirit. Peoples spoke, sang in tongues and moved to tears by the Holy Spirit. During the healing rally, I was chosen and prophecised on. Within a week, the prophesy came to past. Since I arrived here, God have unlocked many doors for me which I thought were impossible. For men, these seemed to be impossible but for God, everything is possible.

Actually, few days before I came here, my friend told me about the Asian Film Symposium which was going to take place in Singapore. Of course, I would like to attend it but hack, I thought it was impossible cos I can't affort Singapore. Then, Hani, my friend in Johor called me up and invited me to come over to Johor.

So I managed to spend a few days in Singapore to attend Asian Film Symposium which took place on 6 Sept til 10 Sept at the Substation and felt really inspired creatively. Then, another friend took me to New Creation Church at Suntec City in Singapore to attend Sunday Worship Service. It was amazing to see young peoples queue up to attend the worship service.

The worship service started at 2 pm but we had to queue up at 1pm in order to secure a seat. After attending the worship service, I figured out why peoples were queuing up. The sermon was so powerful and uplifting. I also joined the sea gypsies ministry in Johor. It was such an amazing experience to join the sea gypsies to worship the lord and moved to tears by God's presence. I am so glad that I made the decision to come to Johor. I guess it is very important to walk by faith and trust God.

When things go so wrong, we think God doesn't love us anymore. It is our own bitterness that separates us from God. God is a forgiving God, it is ourselves that are so unforgiving towards ourselves. Sometimes, we are our own worse enemy.

Don't ever...

2007-08-27T13:47:00.000+08:00

Don't ever doubt the things from God,
You should never say that He has forgotten or abandoned you.
Don't ever think that He does not take of you.
Remember that He is always holding you with His right hand. (Is:42:13)

Shortbus

2007-08-20T21:54:00.001+08:00

I am having a Shortbus fever,and hope you will catch it too!

Film review: Shortbus

2007-08-20T20:57:00.001+08:00

A naked man trying to give himself...ahem, a blow job by bending his body in a very yogic way, which generates so much laughter from us, the audience. Another scene intersects, depicting an Asian woman engaged in various Karma-Sutra like sexual positions with her husband to achieve what we call 'canal bliss' (in the tone of polite and upper-class kind of way). Then, there is another scene followed, a punk-looking woman whipping up the 'cream', I mean whipping up a man's butt SM style with her punk outfit full on. Yes, this is hardcore compares to the usual cinematic standard. This is what I call cinematic liberty.

There I was, taking all these in at Bangkok International Film Festival (19-29 Jul 2007). Yet, there is something so engaging about this movie, surprisingly not so much about the over-the-top sex scenes. James (Paul Dawson), the naked man starts weeping soon after he has an ejaculation.

Sofia (Sook-Yin Lee), a sex therapist but she prefers to call herself a couple therapist, can't have orgasm and have been faking it. The punk prostitute has a thing for photography that she takes Polaroid photos of people she meets. She is an artsy social outcast to be exact.

Oddly enough, in life, the very people we often find easy to bare our naked heart completely are the strangers we meet in strange places under strange circumstances. This is exactly what happens next in the movie. James and Jamie (PJ DeBoy, they are partners in real life), the gay couple goes for counseling session conducted by Sofia. The counseling session turns out to be a disaster that Sofia reveals her I-can't-have-orgasm secret to the couple.

So, all of them end up at Shortbus, a New York underground salon in a Parisian tradition hosted by Robin Bond (Robin Bond), the oh so flamboyant transsexual. When Sofia arrives at Shortbus, Justin takes her on a tour, showing her a room where orgies are taking centre stage. There are musicians, singers, performers entertaining the crowd who are there to talk about politic, arts and sex in the most theatrical kind of way, of course. There, Sofia finds comfort in peoples who try to help her on her quest for orgasm; among them are Severin (Lindsay Beamish), the punk prostitute. At one scene, Sofia requests Justin to kiss her, so both of them starts kissing sensually in the most unexpected way.

There is a scene where Ceth, an ex model (played by singer-songwriter Jay Brannan) listens attentively to an old man who happens to be the former Mayor of New York. "People are so unforgiving." he puts it. He is blamed for not doing enough to curb HIV and Aids problems when he was a Mayor. He explains that there was only so little that people knew what to do back then but he had done his best. Then, the pretty young man with eyes filled with tears, leaning over to kiss the old man while everyone is watching them. By then, tears have streamed down from my eyes.

Ceth eventually hooks up with James and Jamie. At the couple's place, the pretty young man starts strumming the guitar and singing a very melodic song for the couple. That is almost child-like and innocent. Then, the mood takes a turn when they go on to engage in a hilarious threesome sexcapade.

Sofia's canal problem has been affecting her well being. Obviously, Sofia and her husband are sexually incompatible but they still put up with each other sexually in order to save the marriage. On the other hand, James is pushed into being gay by forced circumstances because he was a male prostitute. Yet, he knows that Jamie loves him so much that he has to continue being a faking gay.

This is a heart-wrenching movie with a lot of dark humor thrown in to slightly minimize the intensity. Every sex scene seems to convey a painful reality that many of us try to dismiss. This is a movie that is going to make you weep and sob silly and you don't even know why. Perhaps, it is like a blow on our heads that it makes us realize that many of us have been struggling really hard to come to terms with our own sexuality simply because we live in a very judgmental and unforgiving society. We have to really cross the religious and social barriers to truly understand the humanity portrayed in this movie. Sad but true, not many of us do. It is a miracle itself that a porn-chic movie as such can be so thought-provoking. Thanks to the director John Cameron Mitchell for being the savior of American indie film industry.

Hello my friends

2007-08-15T18:32:00.000+08:00

A quick shout out to Hermione, Shannon, Issac , Melissa, Kavern, Yas from Japan and everyone. So sorry for the long silence. Have a good week ahead. Chat again soon.

Orange sky

2007-08-07T13:11:00.001+08:00

What if?

2007-07-19T14:54:00.000+08:00

18-07-2007-I set the alarm clock last night so that I could wake up early and leave but things don't always happen the way you expect or predict. Last night, I suddenly felt so lonely after I came back from dinner. That kind of unspeakable loneliness which I used to be able to cope when I was on a journey. After all, travelling on your own can be quite lonely sometimes. I wonder If I left home much much earlier, would it be different by now. Maybe we shouldn't ask this kind of question: "What if?" If we knew it earlier, we wouldn't have done so many things. Would my mother marry my father if she could turn back the clock and re-live her life? Would my sister marry her husband if she was given a second chance?

All of us need a second chance. It is so painful when we have to ask ourselves this kind of question. I think the worst thing is that we can't really come up with an absolute answer, an ultimate answer or an unregretable answer. So, we prefer not to ask ourselves some life-changing and important questions cos we know we don't have the answers. There are many walls built around our hearts. The moment when a life-changing question is answered, a wall is pulled down. Along the journey in life, we will have to pull down these walls no matter how many obsticles we have to encounter and eventually we will find ourselves, our truest self and freedom.

The revolutionary

2007-06-29T16:08:00.001+08:00

Computer game

2007-06-29T15:50:00.000+08:00

Strike a pose like a hell raiser,

....................Swing my M16,

Aim at my enermy.

....................Pull the trigger,

fire the bullets.

......................VENGE OUT MY ANGER IN THE CYBER WORLD.

No one gives a damn when I gun down that man.

Inspired by the teens and gangsters who spend long hours playing Counter Strike in an internet cafe I normally go

The crying Darfur

2007-06-28T15:50:00.000+08:00

I heard so much about Darfur from humanitarian workers. These people who had risked their lives to go to Darfur to extend their helping hands to the civilians who have been trapped and victimized in the name of war, civil war to be exact. These humanitarian workers still believe and hold on to the hope that there will be better days for the Sudanese. There are many unheard sad stories about the Sudanese that will move everyone to tears. I hope next time when I hear a story about Sudan, it will make me smile. Please log on to Amnesty International website (Make Some Noise campaign) to find out what you can do to help the Sudanese.

Activism

2007-06-18T17:33:00.000+08:00

...........................Mary Go Round,

...........................................spinning around.

...........................Ferris Wheel,

...........................................splendid view.

...........................Spread your banners,

..........................................raise your placards.

...........................Say it out loud:

.........................................."Fascists step down."

Inspired by the May Day March in Kuala Lumpur that I joined in 2006.

life is what you make out of it

2007-06-06T12:27:00.000+08:00

Actually, we all have gone through tough time in order to commit to our truest soul and dreams. Two days ago, I went to meet a long lost friend. He wanted to open a cafe, so he spent months setting up the cafe, creating an atmosphere and environment that spell his personality. He makes a living as a tattoo artist but recently he spent a lot of time setting up a cafe. He built a fish pond, painted the walls, cemented the floor and there are still more works to be done. He has to tear off part of the walls on the second floor and convert it into a veranda. Totally D-I-Y. I used to help him to set up the tattoo studio and cafe in the previous location and we did have a lot of fun even though the cafe didn't make money but there was a bunch of like minded people who came to hang out and play music.

Once, after attending a film festival, I invited Amir Muhamad (the film director of The Big Durian) and the gang to come and hang out in the cafe. We just need to hang out with people who share the same passion in life, people who speak the `same language of passion'. We need to feed on each other's passionate energy on daily basis to keep the light of passion burning. This friend has great spirit and great faith even though money is running out sometimes. He is always such an inspiration to me. Of course, I believe he will pull it through cos he had done it many times. I have been working on a few projects too, never mind that I was called a slacker by some people cos I don't have a monthly faithful income as a freelancer. After all, they don't really pay my bills, do they?

I used to have a permanent job too. When I finished college back in 1995. I was landed a job as a Guest Service Assistant at a 5 star resort in Langkawi. I hated that job really, I was living in hell for one year before I quit. I had to wear this over-sized uniform and high heels that hurt my feet, not to mention, lip stick, eye shadow and all that shit on daily basis. Sometimes, during high occupancy, there was a never ending queue of guests waiting to check out. By the time I was free to go for my lunch break, the cafeteria already closed. I always had nightmare the night before public holidays. Of course, I had not-too-bad- income but I was so tied down and tortured by my job. One day, I looked into the mirror and I didn't recognise who I was anymore cos the job had killed my soul.

Then, I moved back to Penang and landed myself as a Public Relation Coordinator at SUPER KOMTAR. Probably you had heard my voice: "Paging for MR. So and So, kindly proceed to the Customer Service Counter immediately" We had to deal with customer complaints and a lot of petty things. We got to organise children colouring contests and other contests. I had great colleagues, so it was bearable but I still hated that over sized uniform. One day, while I was squatting behind the gift counter for hours packing canned soft drinks. I asked myself one question: Why was I working my butt out to make the rich becomes richer. So, I quit again.

Then, I went backpacking around a few places in Malaysia with my best friend, Melissa. It was Melissa who introduced me to backpacking. Melissa had done India. (Oh yeah, Mellisa just gave birth to a baby boy few days ago, her second child.) In the backpacking scene, there is a backpacker's saying: If you have survived India, that means you have graduated from the university of backpacking. I haven't done India, so I haven't graduated just yet. Ok, let's get back to the story, So after the cuti-cuti Malaysia backpacking trip. I got a job as an assistant teacher at a School for the Blind in Penang, very little salary, it was like half-charitable job. Seriously, my life changed dramatically, many good things happened to me. The job made me feel so saintly. I remember one day, Andrew (who is visually impaired) came to talk to me. He came to talk to me often when I finished my class at 4.30 pm. That day, he told me that his salvation lied in Jesus' love. I listened to his story and started weeping cos I was so touched. Now you know that I heard the gospel from a blind man who walks by faith, not by sight He is a man who has fulfilled the scripture: to walk by faith, not by sight. I worked there for 2 years, the longest job I ever had so far.

During that time, I went backpacking to Thailand, Borneo and Cambodia on my own during school holidays. When I came back from Cambodia, I was so touched and inspired by the people I met there that I wrote a article about Cambodia and the landmine victims. I was probably the first or second Malaysian who backpacked to Cambodia by land and I was very proud of myself (I am not showing off, just proud). The article was published in New Straits Times. That is how I started off as a writer.

After that, I worked as a trekking guide in Cameron Highlands. Everyday was a holiday....My life changed again. Bohemian life, crazy and started to develop bad habits. I really had a great time in Cameron Highlands. Off to Europe for 3 months, hitch-hiking, fire dancing, camping in a massive hippie festival with 20,000 people, sleeping in a stable like baby Jesus in the mountain in Austria, being cold and homeless, sleeping in a car in Zurich. Life is what you make out of it. I made mistakes, I learnt from mistakes, I cried, I smiled, I loved, I hated, I suffered, I laughed, I sinned , I repent cos I allowed myself to unfold every layer of humanity. Along the journey, I realised that God loves me. I know He will always love me til the end of the time

Requiem for Davina

2007-05-21T13:36:00.000+08:00

It was 15th May 2007. We woke up early cos we wanted to attend Davina's (my cousin-sister) funeral. It was like a dream, so unreal but yet we were really on our way to Butterworth to attend her funeral. There were many peoples by the time we arrived, many of them were Davina's colleagues. Justine (Davina's boss) and Selina were there too.

There were many familiar faces. It was Davina that brought us together. It was Davina that we talked to each other and revealed our most humane side to each other cos we were at Mount Miriam cancer hospital to be with Davina during her final days. It was Davina that made us realised how powerless we are even many of us are so powerful in our respective field of work but there were only so much we could do to save Davina. In fact, her company was willing to generate RM 120,000 for her medical expenses but yet we could not save her.

We didn't talk much to each other anymore cos the person that brought us together was no longer with us. We were there to pay our last respect and to mourn. The black van that parked outside the gate was adorned with flower garlands. The flower garland sent by my church was placed in the front of the van. I had no tears to shed, no more tears but I was still engulfed by sadness. All of us walked behind the slow moving black van. Later, her body was cremated. There were so many questions lingering on my mind. Why she was not given a second chance?

Davina, 31 years old, died of liver cancer on Mother's day, living behind a 14 months old son, a husband and all of us. May her soul rest in peace.

Here without you

2007-04-26T14:58:00.001+08:00

Is This Love

2007-04-12T16:31:00.001+08:00

Extended Theological Education Course

2007-04-10T12:54:00.000+08:00

I just came back from Port Dickson. I was invited to join the one week Extended Theological Course. I was supposed to learnt from the preachers but I ended up having two rounds of biblical debate with the preachers. I know Christ through wonders, miracles and His unfailing love and forgiveness which happened in my life. That's why I believe in Christ because He had freed me from the dungeon of darkness. No one can take this away from me or tell me anything that contradicts to my own personal relationship with Christ. The very thing that almost destroys my faith or to raise doubt in Christ is the teachers of the law, who are Christians themselves. (just like the Pharisees described in the Bible who persecuted Jesus Christ). I am a believer of Christ, who doesn't belong to any denomination because I find division amongst churches to be very depressing.

Let's do a bit of 'brokeback' just to piss them (the teachers
of the law) off.

Two beautiful souls were born into this world. They are pure

and innocent until the world teaches them how to

hate.

Let's stop pretending that we really love each other.

Oh Lord, please protect these kids from being brainwashed.

Oh Lord, please tell us that you are not the toxic

God that they told us.

If only we were allowed to be the person we really are.....

Let's treat each other just like how we want to be treated.

That sum up all commandments of the Law.

Don't let the colours of our skins and religions come between us.
I am just standing at a different angle to look at the same religion

California dreaming

2007-03-30T14:57:00.001+08:00

Bluebeard

2007-03-30T14:54:00.001+08:00

The real things

2007-03-30T14:50:00.000+08:00

I stayed back here because I was so sure that it was the right thing to do, or rather, I came here in the first place because I thought nothing would hold me back but I was wrong. I was like an incomplete picture with one piece of missing puzzle. It had gone missing long before I realized it, carelessly misplaced. That is what we always do, misplacing things, love, heart and soul.

Then, we will end up spending our whole lives finding that one piece of missing puzzle. Some people will find it, some people won't and never will. Those who manage to find it will die with their eyes closed. Those who can't fine it will die with their eyes open and drag along their unfinished business down to the graves with them. Of course, we won't be able to see it cos our eyes are not made to see the real things.

Marilyn Manson - Tourniquet

2007-03-27T14:45:00.001+08:00

Love is in the air (part 1)

2007-03-27T13:38:00.000+08:00

12-Sept-2006-Yesterday morning I sent the bicycle to be repaired. Yes, Alexia was right, there were holes on the tyre. So, I was there at the mechanic shop to see the mechanic repairing the tyre. At least, I learnt to repair a holed tyre. I had lunch at the restaurant back at the guesthouse. Tiu was there, so I asked her about her son. Thank goodness, she remember me. I remember her because of her friendliness during my very first visit there few years ago. She told me she went to Marta, an island in Italy for 6 months. She has a Martese boyfriend now. So, she told me about her experience in Marta. I noticed she was drinking and smoking heavily while she was chatting with me. Then, a crowd flocked in to have lunch at the restaurant. There were a few Malaysian tourists, so I talked to one of them. Then, I waited for the crowd to leave so that I could settle the rent for my room.

Tiu's friend, Oak came with a chubby baby girl. Mama(the owner of the guesthouse) cuddled her and then passed her to me. Tiu invited me to go with them to the Elephant Camp. So, I rushed back to the raft house to ask Alexia to come with us. Alexia and I sat at the back of the pick-up truck. Then, the pick-up was halted near to the bridge of the River Kwai to pick up tourists. We waited for a while there. Oak, came around to pass me baby Cream. I was sitting at the back of the pick-up stated sweating and holding a sweating baby. Alexia decided to get off to have a meal. She told me not to wait for her.

Actually, I was supposed to leave for Bangkok this morning but I decided to stay back for one more day. I have to go for my visa run tomorrow cos I have to leave the country on 14-Sept 2006. Yeah, the visa run has become such a nuisance and it is really annoying cos I have to put everything aside to get it done. Or else, I really would like to stay back and spend more time with Alexia and my new found friends.

The Elephant Camp was pretty amazing. The elephants there seemed to be well taken care of. At least, I didn't spot any elephant with torn ears and injured skin. It was really awesome to see more than 10 elephants bathing in the jade green River Kwai at one go. It was really a very rare view to behold. The guide told me that it is better for the elephants to work with the tourists than to work in the forest. Well, I am not the elephants, I can't tell whether they really prefer to transport tourists on there backs on daily basis.

Cream obviously is not a baby who loves to smile but at one point, I started smiling when I teased her. Oh, I felt this great joy in my heart when I saw her smiling. After the Elephant Camp, we stopped by at the Snooker Bar to return the pick-up to the owner. Then, Oak insisted that I went to her house by the river.

Oasis - Champagne Supernova (Live)

2007-03-27T13:29:00.001+08:00

Champagne Supernova

2007-03-10T17:09:00.000+08:00

Champagne Supernova (by Oasis)

How many special people change
How many lives are living strange
Where were you when we were getting high?
Slowly walking down the hall
Faster than a cannon ball
Where were you while we were getting high?
Some day you will find me
Caught beneath the landslide
In a champagne supernova in the sky

Some day you will find me
Caught beneath the landslide
In a champagne supernova
A champagne supernova in the sky

Wake up the dawn and ask her why
A dreamer dreams she never dies
Wipe that tear away now from your eye
Slowly walking down the hall
Faster than a cannon ball
Where were you when we were getting high?

Some day you will find me
Caught beneath the landslide
In a champagne supernova in the sky
Some day you will find me
Caught beneath the landslide
In a champagne supernova
A champagne supernova in the sky

Cos people believe that they're
Gonna get away for the summer
But you and I, we live and die
The world's still spinning round
We don't know why
Why, why, why, why

How many special people change
How many lives are living strange
Where were you when we were getting high?

Slowly walking down the hall
Faster than a cannon ball
Where were you while we were getting high?
Some day you will find me
Caught beneath the landslide
In a champagne supernova in the sky

Some day you will find me
Caught beneath the landslide
In a champagne supernova
A champagne supernova in the sky

Cos people believe that they're
Gonna get away for the summer
But you and I, we live and die
The world's still spinning round
We don't know why
Why, why, why, why

How many special people change
How many lives are living strange
Where were you when we were getting high?
We were getting high
We were getting high
We were getting high
We were getting high

Monsoon rain

2007-01-20T15:54:00.000+08:00

Lotus pond,
Flower horn.
Monsoon rain laced with watermelon sweet,
it brings hope and promise,
it also brings along despair and grief.

Questions......

2007-01-17T20:38:00.000+08:00

Who are you?
............................................Is it pleasure or pain? Are you fake?

............................Are you real?
.........................................................Interpret the past.

Do you dare?........................................... Expose your mind.

Where is tension?................. Strip your mind.

Are you spontaneous?
......................................................................................Capitalise on fear.

............Are you inspired?
............................................Create value

............................................Self-restraint or self-expression?
Social order or social pressure?.................................... Defy definations.

................................Do you pressure the environment or the environment pressure you?
.......................Do you have faith to make the impossible to become possible?

............................Redefine love?

Who are you?..................Who.....
..................................................are
......................................................y
......................................................o
......................................................u
......................................................?